Being complex is hard

Over the weekend D and I went to see the film Divergent, based on the novel by the same name. I read the book and enjoyed it, so I wanted to see the film even though it had been getting mixed reviews. That night we were in the mood for an action movie so it hit the spot and we both really liked it. But what I really have to give it credit for was giving D and I a lot to talk about afterward over dinner.

As a fan of science fiction I particularly love stories set in dystopian society. These alternate realities are often created around an extreme response to world challenges. In Fahrenheit 451 society has outlawed all books, in Brave New World everyone is drugged to stay happy, in The Giver there is no knowledge of past history, and in 1984 there is Big Brother. The idea behind all these dystopias is that free will is what causes violence and war, especially when combined with knowledge. So in order to bring peace and happiness we need to find ways to suppress emotions, feelings, and sometimes even thoughts: people need to conform. But of course the costs are high and the books are about that tension. In Divergent, as a response to some kind of large scale war society is divided up into factions. Each faction focuses on one strength and all members of that faction are to comply with the values, goals, and routines of that faction. At age 16 each person gets to select which faction best matches them and once there they are expected to conform, or they become one of the "faction-less"(a fate seen as worse than death). That is where Divergent starts, when the main character must choose which faction to join. The choices are: Abnegation, for the selfless; Amity, for the peaceful; Candor, for the honest; Dauntless, for the brave; and Erudite, for the Intelligent.

There are some interesting things to think about here. Recently at my work the executive team has been discussing possible team building exercises. One of the concepts we're working with is Strength Finder. The idea is that every person has strengths and weaknesses and apparently it's been proven that people are more productive if they work in areas that meet their strengths. Seems obvious but it's important to think about when staffing and resourcing. On a team of people you will probably have a mix of skill-sets and knowing how to best utilize those is important for efficiency and accord. if you think of society as one large team working towards a goal, then it makes sense to put people in groups that work towards their strengths.

But what D and I ended up discussing over dinner was two fold. The first was the idea that being able to commit yourself to one goal can give freedom. In the book the protagonist talks about how free the Dauntless seem. They work to rid themselves of fear and that lack of fear gives them freedom. And I'm sure that could be said for any of the other factions. For example, committing yourself and living by total honesty would also set you free. So, is one of the reasons we all struggle in our lives to some that we are trying to excel in all these areas and they conflict? Sometimes being selfless doesn't go along with being smart. Sometimes honesty doesn't go along with kindness. Being a complex human means we need to constantly navigate our priorities and values. The goal I believe is still to find freedom and peace within the ongoing negotiation, but it reveals why it can often be difficult to achieve.

The second thing was if we were in the protagonists situation, what faction would we choose? D and I both agreed that I would choose Erudite, the faction that values knowledge. They love research and understanding how things work. I'd be happy in a life devoted to learning. D was not as clear at first, but then I realized he'd of course be Candor who value truth and honesty. While this "game" may seem juvenile it was a good way to think about what D and I each bring to the relationship and the ways that our values often align, but sometimes don't.

So, thank you for a fun night Divergent. I'm hoping the second book offers some additional things to ponder.

Gone with the Wind

 

Have you read Gone with the Wind? I love the movie. I could watch the movie over and over again. But amazingly it never occurred to me to read the book. Luckily it became a book club assignment and I highly recommend giving this a read if you haven't already. 

Even though I know the story there is so much richness in the novel that there is still plenty to savor. For example, you get the back stories of Scarlett's parents that help inform her struggle to balance her father's fiery Irish blood with the french aristocratic teachings of her mother. And I love that the protagonist is a strong and complicated woman. She's flawed and there are a lot of times you hate the choices she makes, but it's her journey that is so relate-able, and at times even admirable. Because while this is a coming-of-age story, it's first and foremost a story of survival. Scarlett must deal with huge obstacles and solve seemingly impossible problems, often at very young and immature age. Whatever her faults I admire a woman able to be strong like that.

And of course there is always Rhett as well, and who doesn't love Rhett :)

Are you focusing on what's most important to you?

A few weeks ago my boss sent me an email saying his mentor was going to be giving a speaking engagement in LA. I hate giving up my evenings with the Pepper, but I felt it was important to go and D agreed. So one Thursday night I reluctantly went to see Dr. John Demartini speak, and I was very pleasantly surprised. He gave a great talk. He was insightful, knowledgeable, engaging, and really funny! And I've been thinking about what he said ever since.

One of the things he talked about the stuck wit me is the idea of our values: the things we prioritize in our lives. Everyone has a unique value system, it is what makes us individuals. Being aware of what your values are is important and being true to that will theoretically make you happy. When someone tries to put you down or judge you, they are trying to put their values onto you and that is harmful. Conversely, if you admire someone and put them on a pedestal you may try to put their values on yourself, which is also harmful. It was an interesting way to look at relationships and made me view some of the key relationships in my life differently.

But the thing that keeps spinning in my mind is the idea on personal values. Demartini says that your highest value or highest priority is what you will endure both pleasure and pain for. You will take the bad with the good because it is something innate to you. You will do it or pursue it without being told to or forced to. When he said this I thought of my husband and how D is so clear in his pursuit of is music career. When he is making music he is clearly his most true self. But then I wondered, what's my highest value? What makes me my truest self? I was shocked that I didn't have an answer. My first go to was being a mother. Because I will endure any pain in the pursuit of being a mother to my little one. But as most parents would I wondered if that was too simple an answer. I decided that maybe I need to spend some time thinking about what I value and prioritize. It will help me knwo myself and focus my life in the areas that will bring me the highest rewards.

After I raved about the lecture my boss was thoughtful enough to send me this book to read. While I haven't had a chance yet I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure it will give me a lot more to think about.

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We all need more poetry in our lives

I do not have enough poetry in my life. There have been lovely but rare times when Drew and I have decided to pull out a poetry book on a lazy day, and it's always a rewarding experience. Reading poems out load can be interesting, emotional, insightful, and can spur wonderful conversation. But sadly, these days I don't have enough poetry in my life.

Last year my book club did something I highly recommend. One of our members decided that the meeting she hosted would be a poetry meeting. Everyone was asked to bring a poem and then we went around and read them out load and discussed each before going onto the next one. A really wonderful night. And it was so fun to see what the other members chose. One woman read the lyrics to Eleanor Ridby by the Beatles since she felt music was the first poetry that really spoke to her (and the lyrics to that song certainly are haunting). Another woman shared short poems her husband had written. My mother (who is also in the book club) read a poem about Africa that reminded her of her childhood there and brought tears to her eyes. Through sharing poems we ended up sharing personal things about ourselves, often unknowingly. It was beautifully intimate.

The poem I chose was "The Earth" by Anne Sexton. Not sure what it reveals about me but you may have some ideas:

God loafs around heaven,

without a shape

but He would like to smoke His cigar

or bite His fingernails

and so forth.

God owns heaven

but He craves the earth,

the earth with its little sleepy caves,

its bird resting at the kitchen window,

even its murders lined up like broken chairs,

even its writers digging into their souls

with jackhammers,

even its hucksters selling their animals

for gold,

even its babies sniffing for their music,

the farm house, white as a bone,

sitting in the lap of its corn,

even the statue holding up its widowed life,

but most of all He envies the bodies,

He who has no body.

The eyes, opening and shutting like keyholes

and never forgetting, recording by thousands,

the skull with its brains like eels-

the tablet of the world-

the bones and their joints

that build and break for any trick,

the genitals,

the ballast of the eternal,

and the heart, of course,

that swallows the tides

and spits them out cleansed.

He does not envy the soul so much.

He is all soul

but He would like to house it in a body

and come down

and give it a bath

now and then.

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