To "French" or not to "French"

I'm not referring to kissing but to parenting. One of the books recommended to me the most when I was pregnant was "Bringing up Bebe": an American mom's account of what she learned from raising her kids in France. The book focuses mostly on what the author feels American parents can learn from the French: how to have a well behaved child. This involves things like getting them on a schedule young so they sleep well, not snacking in between meals, teaching them independence, and teaching them manners. I decided not to read a lot of parenting books knowing that too much information would actually overwhelm me. But based on the recommendations and some research I decided that the books I wanted to read were "Bringing Up Bebe" and a great companion book called "French Kids Eat Everything".  And now they are the books I recommend too! They really aligned with what D and I had wanted to place value on when we discussed parenting and they helped us formulate our approach. And 17 months later I think we've had great results. The Pepper is a pretty good sleeper, a very good eater, and a fairly well-behaved toddler (so far anyway!) Partly I think we just got lucky, but I also have to credit some of our parenting choices that were helped along with the info we learned in these French parenting books.

So I was surprised when I read this article discrediting a lot of what the book purported. To be fair, the article I think is more about what the author expected to happen vs the reality of moving to a new city with small children. But it reminded me of a conversation I had at a BBQ when the Pepper was about 4 months old. An expecting couple asked me and another mom what books we recommended and I of course mentioned the above. But immediately the other mother chimed in saying that the French don't really raise their kids that was and the book was a lie. And that's a fair topic for discussion but it was said in a way that was meant to dismiss my recommendation. It was something I didn't appreciate. And it missed the point.

The point was that these books were helpful to us. Whether they are accurate or not to how the majority of French parents run their families doesn't really mater to me. The ideas and suggestions within helped D and I be what we considered to be better parents. I didn't think the books would solve all our problems. I didn't think they would create a perfect kid. And I knew that they couldn't make parenting easy. But they talked about parenting in a way that made a lot of sense to D and I and therefore the books allowed us to have conversations (and continue to have conversations) about how we want to handle various aspects of parenting. And in this way they did make parenting easier for us: by providing us a "parenting philosophy" we could get behind and use as a guide.

An example of something we took from the books: getting our baby on an eating schedule. The book claims that French kids eat at regular times  (8am, 12pm, 4pm, 8pm). And this applies to babies. The idea being that they learn to go longer without food and this helps them sleep. Once they get older the lack of snacking means that they eat well during meals (which tend to have a more robust nutritional options) and can participate in mealtime as a member of the family. This worked great for us. By about 4 or 5 months old the Pepper was eating 4 times a day and she still does to this day. This means that she was also pretty much sleeping through the night by that time as well. Had D and I not read "Bebe" we wouldn't have thought of this on our own but it really brought sanity to our household during that chaotic first year as parents. And if you want additional info on how to get your kid on a schedule I can also recommend "Twelve Hours' Sleep By Twelve Weeks Old". I know some people thought we were nuts to be so "rigid" with our kid but it meant we were all happier (and more well rested!).

So, I still recommend these books to people who want to read out parenting. Even if you don't want to get your kid on a schedule maybe you'll like their approach to saying "no", or manners, or meal planning. I can't speak to it's ability to turn your kids into perfect French children, but it has some good tips for people who want to take a balanced approach to parenting.

Did you guys read the books? Anything you took from them?

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It's happening faster than I thought

One of the things I was most intimidated by when I became a parent was the idea of potty training. I didn't understand how it could happen. I felt like it would take a lot of effort. I didn't know the best practices or the right way and it just seemed like it has to be very hard. Well, colored me surprised because it is happening faster than I could have imagined! So fast that we're not even ready for it.

Looking back we brought this on ourselves. I'm a big believer in naked baby time and we'd make sure the Pepper had time each day to run around in her birthday suit. Over time she started learning about how her body worked and would announce to us that she was going to the bathroom. Since we were starting to talk about it with her I decided to get the classic Once Upon a Potty book and it quickly became on of the most requested at story time. But my intention was to take things slow. She would start learning about the concepts and we could start talking about them and then when we're in the new house we could get her a little potty and leisurely make our way towards being diaper free.

What happened instead was that last week the Pepper decided she did not want to wear diapers anymore. We dealt with full-on tantrums every time we tried to get her changed. She demanded that she wear her pants without a diaper. She even asked to use the potty a couple times. And poor thing, we didn't have any of the needed tools. No potty. No underwear. No pull-ups. We were so not ready and with the move only days away we didn't want to get all set-up in a place we'd be leaving. So we struggled through it which meant a lot of clean-ups.

This last week was a challenging week with work and the move and the worse PMS of my life! Luckily we made it up to Ojai and into our new place (though there are still so many boxes to unpack). But the good news is we can finally unpack her potty. I have no idea what to expect. Maybe she'll just be curious about it, maybe she'll catch on quick and love it. But I have to say my little girl has impressed me. She was ready for this milestone much quicker than I was. Just a reminder that being a parent means constantly being adaptable.

Image of the Pepper from last week.

Friendships after baby

Last night two of my good friends came over. I made pasta, they brought salad and dessert. Wine was had, catching up was done, we did some itsy-bitsy spider with the Pepper, and they finished off their visit by reading her a bedtime story. It's so nice when I get to have some girl-time with my friends and it got me to thinking about maintaining friendships once you have a baby.

I hear a lot of moms talk about how difficult it is to maintain friendships once they have their first child. And yes it's harder to get together with friends. But this isn't unique to motherhood. Any major life change usually has an impact to your social life. If you start a new job you may be working longer hours for example, or when you start a new relationship you'll have fewer evenings available. The biggest challenge with having a baby is the schedule. They need to eat and sleep and you try to get into a rhythm with this stuff because it's helpful to maintain a routine. But, I tried to keep our routine flexible enough that we could accommodate a lunch date or a dinner party. One thing that has helped is that our little one actually doesn't go to bed very early. She usually goes to bed between 9pm-9:30pm which means we can still get together in the evenings with friends. For example, last night the ladies arrived around 6:30 so we still have a few good hours to together before I had to get involved in bedtime.

The other challenge is that babies are babies. They need attention, they cry, they need to be changed, they can be gross. While some people don't like trying to deal with these distractions,  I've found most of my friends are very accommodating. They love my little girl! They like interacting with her and playing with her. And while it can take us longer to get through a conversation now that I often need to pause to help the Pepper with her toys, we still get there. And these friends end up developing a relationship with my child too which I think is great. I want the Pepper to have lots of wonderful "aunties" in her life. On that note, I want to give a special shout-out to my friends last night who were very gracious when the Pepper pooped on the floor in front of them.

As a mom I also found that I made new friends with parents who also have children of a similar age. And luckily those relationships can be easily kept-up through play-dates and such.  Those women are so important because we can talk about the particular challenges of motherhood and learn from each others experiences. But, I also value my friendships with the woman that I've known a long time and who are in a different phase of life than me. And with a little thought and effort (and understanding on their side) I have found it's not impossible to maintain those friendships. Which I am thankful for.

Image from a recent LA visit from my dear from New York (right). Other dear friend and her daughter also joined (left). We all became friends back high school!

Independence!

Our baby has become such a little girl recently! Things are certainly changing and fast. It's exciting but there are also things I'm going to miss. The baby phase felt like it went by so quickly. I used to get to spend all day snuggling my little bear. I used to get stuck holding her while she napped! Now it's a struggle to get a hug from her. She's just become so independent. It's like she finally realized that she is her own person and that she has the power to decide what happens to her. We say she is a "woman who knows her own mind". An example is today when her nanny came and after some playing she decided she wanted to go for a walk. So she grabbed Auntie Kathy's hand, walked her over to the stroller and pointed at it. Then once Kathy got the stroller set up she decided she wanted to walk on her own so she walked over to the door and directed Kathy to bring the stroller and follow her. She's been doing a lot of this stuff lately: insisting she walks someplace on her own, that she uses a glass or a spoon on her own, that she wants to read one book and not another. And she's been assertively directing others to execute what she wants. She was bossing around one of the dads on the playground the other day by instructing him to throw the ball for her over and over. He was sweet to accommodate her but it made me realize we're going to have to start teaching her about saying "please" as soon as possible.

That's the balance I'm trying to achieve, allowing her to explore the word and be an independent being while putting the needed boundaries in place so that she doesn't run amok. Because of course the flip side is that when she doesn't get what she wants she gets upset which means we're dealing with tantrums now on a regular basis (she had one last night when I wouldn't let her play in the fridge). They luckily don't last very long but I feel it signals a new phase of the push and pull of boundary negotiation that is expected with a toddler.

The biggest change to our routine has been the morning. I talked here about how much I loved our morning routine because it included some quality cuddle time. Well, it's a month later and that snuggle time is no more. Now, she likes to stay in her crib by herself. She sometimes plays with her stuffed animals, sometimes she just lies there (I assume solving the mysteries of the universe). But if I ask her if she wants to go see daddy in bed she says "no no". If I ask if she wants to come cuddle she says "no no". And if I don't believe her and try to bring her to bed anyway she makes it very clear she was serious about her "no"s. So we let her hang in her crib until she asks to be taken out to play, which she does by pointing frantically at her play-mat. I love that she enjoys time to herself and I think that is a good quality to foster. But I do miss my cuddles :(

Picture of the Pepper and me from the recent long weekend.

Last night was not my best night

Last night was not a stellar night and I'm having trouble shaking it off. D was working late so it was just the Pepper and me. And I welcomed that after what was a very busy weekend. I was hoping my baby and I could have some nice quality time together. Well, things took a turn around dinner time. I think my baby girl was tired. She had her usual nap but for some reason she just seemed sleepy and cranky. It was dinner time and when I asked her if she was ready for food she eagerly ran toward the fridge. I assumed she'd help me open the refrigerator door like usual but instead she stuck her fingers between the door and the cabinet so that when I opened the fridge her little fingers got crushed :( I realized quickly so I know she was ok but I'm sure it hurt and she understandably wailed and wailed about it. I felt awful, and this seemed to set the tone for the rest of the night. She was happy with everything I gave her for dinner but if it took me a minute to prepare it (toast the bread for avocado toast) she'd cry and cry. And then the second blow of the evening came: I was trying to get her to drink sour milk.

I of course didn't realize it! It didn't pour any different and the expiration date wasn't for another 3 weeks. She did take one sip and then any time I offered it to her after that she'd get so upset. I finally figured out what was going on but it took me way longer than I wish it had. I felt like a failed parent at that moment.

She was just generally upset after dinner. She didn't want to get her diaper changed and she didn't want to get her pj's on and each thing she didn't want was met with tears. And I think I was just not in a strong emotional state myself (PMS I'm thinking, damn those hormones!). So her reactions got to me and we both were just sort of upset and exhausted by the time we got through the tough stuff. Luckily, we were both into story time and that was something we did to reconnect and recenter. And we had a few really nice moments when I was putting her to bed. But I just felt defeated at the end of the day. Nothing horrible happened. We both were fine at the end of the night. We were able to connect and I was able to show the little one that she was loved and safe. But for some reason all the challenges of the evening just got to me and I felt like the night was a bust and I had let my baby down. And then the anxiety that this will somehow have lasting negative effects (will she never want to drink milk again??) comes and it's a spiral that can be hard for me to get out of. But, I slept on it and this morning I was greeted by a smiley happy-to-be-here baby. Of course I don't need to worry. Of course the Pepper is fine and last night will be forgotten. And I need to move on too.

Image via.

My favorite time of day

Joanna asked a question today that I was excited to respond to but instead of a long comment I decided to write about it here. I was excited to respond because she asked about my favorite time of day! Well, one of them because really I have two: when the Pepper wakes up and when the Pepper goes to bed.

Morning time is very special. I get up around 6am and start work right away (since I work East Coast hours). My little one usually wakes up sometime between 7am and 7:30am so I try to not schedule any work calls during this time. Once I hear that she's up I go and greet her. I pick her up and take her to daddy in bed and when my schedule allows we snuggle in bed for 10 minutes or so before starting the day. I love this snuggle time. During the day the Pepper is always on the go wanting to play or run or do something. But in bed in the morning she's happy to lie there and be close to us. We may find belly buttons or name parts of the face, but most of the time is spent just holding each other. Such a nice quiet time of day.

Bedtime is less quiet but equally enjoyable. After dinner our bedtime routine starts. Every other day this includes a bath but whether it's a bath night or not before getting her in her pj's we always do some quality naked time. The Pepper seems to love this time and it's become her time to run around and blow off energy which I think works to our advantage. She'll usually put on some sort of show for us by singing or dancing. Once she's burnt out a little bit we'll give her her toothbrush so she can brush her teeth (something she seems to love to do). Once we've been able to convince her to give up her toothbrush we put her pj's on and then do story time. We read about 3 books together as a family on the couch. The first two are more fun books but after we've read those we'll put her socks on and give her a pacifier, hopefully indicating it's time to start winding down. We read the 3rd and last book, which is usually about going to sleep, and then we'll say our goodnights. Daddy turns off the lights and we go to our large living room windows and we'll close each one saying goodnight to somebody or something ( "good night courtyard", "good night neighbors", etc). Daddy gives her a good night kiss and then I take her to her crib. I'll put her down in her crib, sing her a lullaby, maybe rub her back a little but most of the time I stand there and am just present for her while she falls asleep. I sometimes do some audible and slow yoga breathing which seems to help her if she's feeling particularly restless, but luckily most nights she grabs her stuffed animals and soothes herself to bed.

I think I love these times of day because the focus is on being together as a family. There isn't much distraction, there aren't things competing with our time, it's when we can enjoy each other. I know things will continue to evolve especially as the little one gets older. But for now I'm grateful for these transitional times of day.

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The Pepper Report

Celebrating Mother's Day yesterday has me thinking about my little one. Seemed time to do another update on my beautiful, funny, strong-willed little girl:

• A couple days before your first birthday you started walking, and I feel like you haven't stopped. As one friend of mine noted: right now it's all about walking around and touching stuff. That's how you like to spend your days. I think you've even achieved a run a few times when excitedly being chased by your daddy. It's great that you are so much more independent now. But it also means we need to be on our game.
• You still put everything in your mouth! I had hoped we would have passed this stage by now. Especially now that you are so mobile my biggest concern is you finding things and sticking them in your mouth. And it happens all the time. And then I need to fight with you to get them out of your mouth. And then you get upset. It's not the best dynamic. Hopefully you'll move on from this fascination soon.
• You really want to communicate with us. You are paying so much attention to what we say and how we say it. You try to mimic us. And I can just see that you have things you want us to understand. Right now your most used word is probably "ball" but you also just learned "more" and while I'm proud of you it's a double-edged sword. Because you of course always want more of everything :)
• Speaking of balls, they are your favorite toy. You like carrying them around, throwing them, chasing them, giving them to other people, collecting them. I think I need to diversify your ball collection though so I'm probably going to get you one of these.
• You love a good party. This last Saturday we attended a pool party with probably 30-40 attendees and you were so in your element. You worked the room and charmed everyone. You were happy to hang out with with the ladies in the jacuzzi or swim around the pool with the other kids. There was even some fire spinning at the end of the night to entertain you. I'm sorry not every day can be like for you but I'm glad they at least happen every so often!
• You are ravenous. The amount you eat astounds me. We have to order a full third meal now when we go out. I love that you no longer eat any kind of baby food and just feed yourself small pieces of whatever we eat. But it also means I can very easily on any given night watch you consume a full quesadilla. I guess it's all the calories you are burning from walking. And I want you to have the energy you need to keep growing! I'm just in awe of your appetite. Unfortunately you have also become pickier in your food choices now that you feed yourself and it's a bit harder to get you to eat your veggies. Luckily apple sauce still serves as a way to sneak veggies in.
• You are doing well when it comes to sleeping. You generally sleep through the night (9pm-7am). Sometimes you wake up if you've lost your pacifier and can't find it on your own. It makes me want to wean you off your pacifier which you only use at night now anyway. I keep talking about doing this, but I am intimidated by what I know will be some rough nights as we go through the transition. I just have to be brave and pick a weekend and go for it.

Tomorrow the Pepper will be 14 months old. Sometimes I want her to stop growing and just stay the size she is now forever. But I'm also excited to get to know her as she gets older! It's a fun exciting age right now. I hope the fun continues.

Image from the pool party this last weekend.

Changes to routine

So far, being a parent feels like it's all about adapting to change. We'll be going along and we'll have things in order. We'll have plans and a clear idea of how things go. We'll have steps we take and we'll know what to expect. Then suddenly, we need to learn a whole new system.

The last month has felt like a huge shift. Maybe it's because the Pepper reached that year mark and this is normal. But it's taking me time to catch-up. For the last several months the little one has taken a morning nap and then played with the nanny until I'm done with work around 3:30pm (I work East Coast hours). Then I give her a snack and read to her until she goes down for her second nap. During her second nap I can fold laundry, catch up on more work, or sometimes even nap myself! I would often get jealous that the nanny gets the play time and I get the nap time. But I had worked this routine into my expectations for my days. Then one day the other week the Pepper decided she didn't need two naps a day anymore. Suddenly, one afternoon nap was the new norm. I'm thrilled to have more awake hours with her, but it's also thrown off my days. I no longer have an hour or so to myself in the afternoons. Now it goes from work right to mothering until bedtime. I feel less productive, but also more fatigued at the end of the day. I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period.

Another big change that seemed to happen all of a sudden: bed time. Especially since I went back to work so soon after her birth I took her bedtime as quality cuddle time. When it was time for sleep I would hold her and rock her and sing to her until she closed her eyes. And then I'd often hold her several more minutes just to enjoy the closeness. It seemed to be something we both enjoyed, until the Pepper changed her mind. One night she started wriggling during our cuddle to the point where I just had to put her down in her crib where she eventually went to sleep by herself. I know this is a good thing. Even while I enjoyed our old routine and the physical intimacy of it I knew it couldn't last. I knew she would eventually get too big and I worried about how to transition to putting her in the crib to go to sleep. I was worried about upsetting her with the change. So I feel lucky she instigated this change on her own! Now I'm the one adjusting: I miss our bedtime snuggles.

Some change will sadly still need to be imposed. Breaking the Pepper of her pacifier habit intimidates me. She looooves that thing. But I feel like getting rid of it would help her sleep better at night. Weaning her off of it is going to be painful...

Photo from a few days ago. The pepper was showing off her tongue to some neighbors :)

The best baby shoes: moccasins!

My sister-in-law is having her second baby this summer and she reached out to me for recommendations on baby items. D and I tried to be very minimal with what we got for our little one so in general I don't have that many things to recommend. One of the items I suggest all the time is the ring sling you can see me using in yesterdays post (it's a Sakura Bloom and I love it - I started using the ling when the Pepper was only a few weeks old and am still using it now). But my other favorite thing for the little ones is moccasins. They are perfect footwear for tiny chubby feet. I didn't buy any booties or anything when The Pepper was born since it was summer and I didn't see any reason socks wouldn't work. But once she started wanting to stand-up and get on her feet I realized we needed something more substantial.

Her first pair of shoes were some grey moccasins and they were ideal. They fit her wide chubby feet and were soft and flexible so she could still move her toes and work on her balance. And people love them! We get so many compliments on them. She wore the grey pair until she grew out of them so I of course had to replace them but this time I went with the fun copper color (from Freshly Picked) you see in the above picture. They don't make that color anymore which is shame but I've already geared up for her next pair and went ahead and purchased her some fun purple ones.

I've bought her some other shoes along the way as it's nice to have variety. I've bought some sneakers and some sandals but I just don't like them as much. They don't seem to fit her feet as well because they are so stiff, and the harder soles and heavier materials means she doesn't walk as freely in them (and trips more!). I know she can't only wear moccasins forever but for now, they are my go-to.

The Pepper's current obsession

The Pepper loves books. Looking at her books, flipping the pages, being read to: these are all her favorite things. Maybe every kid is like this? Since she's our first I don't have anything to compare her behavior to. But I find her love of books fascinating, and wonderful! Hopefully I can find a way to keep her love of books alive as she gets older and the appeal of electronics gets stronger. But right now her favorite book is...

Singing your baby to sleep

 

Once we had the Pepper I realized how unprepared I was for singing lullabies. I loved holding my little girl and looking down at her and singing to her, but I'd get tripped up because I didn't know the words to any lullabies. I remember my mom singing me to sleep, but she sang an African lullaby in a tribal language and it's hard for me to replicate. And I remember my dad singing me a simple made-up song that was basically "daddy loves you" over and over again. I love that song and do sing a version of it to the Pepper, but that wasn't a lot of material to work with.

So, I went with songs that I knew the words to but that still seemed calming and loving. Right now the current songs in my "lullaby" repertoire are:

• Somewhere Beyond the Sea: It's a little peppier than the others so I might start out with this one. It's a personal favorite so I knew all the worlds.
• Oh What a World: A little different but I sing it slow and the words are easy to remember so it works.
• Sweet Child of Mine: I love singing this one to my own sweet child. The words are actually perfect for a lullaby, and I sing it like Orleya so it's nice and slow and soothing.
• Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes: Another personal favorite. I actually started using this one when we were breastfeeding but since it's a familiar song I'll sometimes use it now as a nighttime song.
• Red River Valley: I was learning to play this on the banjo when I was pregnant so I knew the words and it actually has a great tempo to rock the baby too. This one we've been doing I lot lately.
• Everything's Alright: My favorite lullaby. I also sing this one slower than the original version, but the words are lovely and have a great message.

What do you sing to your baby? Any other unconventional lullabies I should learn?

Image from unknown.

What a difference a year makes

This time last year I was in labor getting ready to welcome our little girl into the world. The big question was if she was going to come on March 12th or March 13th (she came at about 2am on the 13th). It wasn't a fun or easy labor, but the pay-off was worth it :)

Coming up on the Pepper's first birthday I'm reflecting a lot on the unbelievable changes she's gone through over this first year. I spend time with other babies just a few months younger than her, and they seem so different. It's amazing that just a year ago she was this little mush-ball functioning on a handful of instincts (suck, grab, sleep). Now she can walk, and understand language, and have opinions, and communicate her needs, and feed herself. She even has a sense of humor developing! I don't know yet how the next year will feel but I think part of the reason they say it goes by so fast is how quickly they grow!

D and I watched this program a few months back and it was great to have some understanding of the science behind the changes babies go through during that first year. As humans, we're born earlier than other mammals which means other mammal babies can do more just out-of-the-womb (like walk). The reason they believe we're born sooner is our head-size relative to our bodies. We need those big heads to accommodate those brains of ours. But it means we're born really helpless, which makes that transformation to a little person that much more poignant.

I have had so much fun being the Pepper's mom this first year. There were hard days, and of course hard nights. I'm fatigued all the time now from not sleeping enough. I don't have as much time for myself, my friends, or my marriage. And financially we're not saving as much as we were before we had to buy things like diapers on a regular basis. But it's been really, really fun. Pepper, you're a delightful sweet little person and I just love you to bits!! Happy birthday little girl!

 

Top image from yesterday. Bottom image from the day after she was born. What a difference a year makes.

Baby don't care, baby's got time

I had a revelation the other day about little kids. I was playing with the Pepper and she really wanted to play with something delicate from our shelves she shouldn't be touching. We went back and forth about it for a long time. And I of course was getting impatient about the exchange. I wanted to spend our time together doing other things, more fun things. But the Pepper didn't care about that. She was totally in the moment. That's when I realized one of the big differences between myself and my child: our concept of time.

As a typical busy adult I think of my life in terms of time. I need to be here at a certain time, I have an hour to do this, I need to schedule time to do that. I've even described parenting to some of my non-parent friends as essentially just needing to get really good at time management. But while parenting to me has meant I need to be even better about using my time efficiently, my baby has a totally different experience. She is just being. She has nothing to do. No places to be. Nothing she needs to accomplish. She can spend as long as she wants fussing about taking a nap, or trying to reach that knick-knack because...why not? She isn't thinking about how if she doesn't nap now she won't be able to later because we need to be at a birthday party. Or that I only have an hour to play with her in between work and chores and we should make the most of it. She is always just in the moment. 

Something about realizing this has actually helped me be more patient, more in the moments with her. And really, it should be about just being together, whatever it is we're doing.

Image via.

The good and bad of nannies...

Inspired by reading this article, I've been thinking about nannies. Since both D and I work full-time we need child care. We applied to daycares as early as possible but in Los Angeles the wait lists are long. So, when I needed to go back to work we had to find a nanny. Luckily, our good friend was looking for work so we decided to give it a try and it's worked out so well, though it has it's downsides.

Having a nanny is more expensive by the hour than daycare. So our daycare budget gets us a part-time nanny. Right now our schedule is that Tuesday - Friday, our nanny comes 4 hours each day (my mom comes on Mondays). This means that D has to watch the Pepper during the hours the nanny isn't there but I need to work. Because D works for himself he is able to accommodate this, but it means that his work hours are unconventional and often has to work late at night which cuts into time we could spend connecting as a couple. And while our nanny does accommodate schedule requests we make, because we have a budget for how many hours we can spend on child care a month there is an inflexibility to the situation.

But the great part is that we have our little one at home so we know the food she is eating and the toys she is playing with. And our nanny is great about following our requests or asking us how we want to handle things when we haven't given instructions. And the Pepper loves her Auntie (what we call our nanny). They have developed a wonderful relationship. Along with the anxieties about loosing control when she does finally get into daycare, I will feel sad that that relationship will change. But hopefully our nanny will always be in the Pepper's life.

But it can be a tricky relationship. I'm lucky that our nanny is also our friend and therefore we are very comfortable with her and trust her 100%. And she's great about deferring to what we want for our little one. But as a working mom I of course have guilt about how much time I spend with my baby. I worry that my work means I don't spend enough time with her. And when I see how much she loves her "Auntie" I have moments of jealously and anxiety. The nanny plays with her all day and they have such a fun time together. At the end of my work day I'm exhausted and while I carve out play time with the Pepper I also take time to do laundry or make food. So I worry that my baby doesn't enjoy her time with me like she does with her Auntie. But I work to quell those because I also know that having another strong relationship in her life is only good for the Pepper. And I'm glad that the Pepper has so much fun everyday. And I remind myself that no matter what, I'll always be her mommy and of course she loves me.

A photo of the Pepper with her "Auntie" from Christmas:

Top image by Ellen Jacob via.

The Pepper Report

Our little one is a little over 10 months old. She had a doctor's appointment yesterday so I thought I'd do a little Pepper update:

•  About a month ago after some serious encouragement you finally decided to give crawling a try. It's an army crawl as you haven't figured out how to get your glorious belly off the ground, but a crawl none the less! While this has given you more independence you are clearly still holding out for walking. You like to walk. And because you need to do it assisted right now mama's back is hurting. I'm trying to make you cruise on the furniture a little more and experiment on your own but it slows you down which you don't like. As much as I'm nervous about you becoming truly mobile, I won't miss being hunched over all the time.
• You love things that are hidden and then appear such as your jack-in-the-box or the shape sorting cube. But you also like taking things and putting them in boxes or cups and then taking them out again. It's adorable.
• Your favorite food is still home made apple sauce though luckily you still will eat almost anything we give you, especially if it's mixed with apple sauce. You're starting to use a spoon and feed yourself if we put the food on it for you. And you love sharing food with us. If daddy is eating an apple, you are very happy when he gives you every other bite.
• For the first time the doctor does not consider you chubby! I think it's all the walking. You seem right on track in weight and height, but you have a huge head. Huge. In the 95 percentile. It's ok, it's not a problem but it does make buying t-shirts for you hard.
• Your hair is looking more and more red everyday. I was expecting a blond baby with almost white hair. But right now I have a strawberry blond and it's getting redder everyday. That's your great-grandmother Lyla's genes I think.
• Your sleep has unfortunately regressed a bit. You still go to bed around the same time and generally wake up at the same time, but the time in-between does not go as smoothly as it used to. You wake up crying regularly and need to be soothed back to sleep. I try to not take you out of the crib but instead rub your back and sing to you until you calm down. I know it's a phase and this too shall pass but it means mommy and daddy are more tired these days.
• You continue to be very friendly and smiley. You and Auntie Kathy spend your weekday afternoons walking around the neighborhood visiting your friends at all the local businesses. When I run errands I can't walk into a local business without them asking me how you are.

I know some people say the baby stage feels so long but I've found that it has flown by. Love you little Pepper! As much as I don't want you to grow up any more, I also can't wait to see who you become.

Instagram image of her bath time yesterday morning.

Boys and girls

I've been thinking a lot about boys and girls. While staying with D's dad we found ourselves watching the news, something we don't really do at home. There was a segment that talked about an Indian actor named Aamir Khan (the "Tom Cruise of India") and how he decided to use his celebrity to start a talk show that dealt with some of India's most controversial but important social issues. One of the first episodes of his show was about the horrible and heartbreaking practice of female foeticide, act of aborting a fetus because it is female. This is a huge problem in India, to the point where sonograms to reveal the sex have been outlawed. Sadly, this law is not well enforced and there are stories of woman being forced to abort their babies due to the baby's gender. What fascinates me the most is the social implications. There are apparently villages of men of marrying age who cannot find wives due to the lack of women. But, even though they are living with the consequences of showing preference for male children, if they do get married they will want that little boy.

As a mother of a daughter I can't imagine not wanting my little girl. But, I live in a different culture. And as I think about the preferences of many Indian's for boys, I'm wondering if in the US we're seeing a subtle but present preference for little girls? I read this article over a year ago but what stayed with me is the lengths it described some families as going to in order get their little girl. And more recently this article was about yet another woman desperate for the daughter she imagines will relate to her and share her interests. Among the families I know I feel there is desire for girls. I have a member of my family who was very disappointed finding out her first child would be a boy, and a good friend who wanted a girl so badly she feels she willed her daughter into existence.

Of course this is the perspective of women I know (I know much fewer men who have stated a preference for a gender). But I wonder if other people are seeing this trend. It's hard for me to relate. I really had no preference for what gender our little one would be. I believe that either gender have their wonderful qualities and of course every child is also different. I assumed I'd be able to connect and hopefully share interests with my children regardless of their gender. If we are lucky to have a second child, it would be fun to have a boy. I'd enjoy seeing how raising a boy would be different from raising a girl. I'd love to see my husband pass on the values of being a good man to him. But, if we had another girl wouldn't is also be fun to see how my daughters would be different from each other? Or watch the kind of relationship they would form as sisters (something I didn't have).

The good news is I know that all parents love their children and even if they have desires or expectations, whatever their children end up being there is always lots of love there.

Image via.

My Crunchy Scale

I laughed when I saw this and it's because it captures something so true about being a parent: the way you navigate talking about parenting techniques with other parents.

Based on Amber's post, I'd say I'm about a 3 on the crunchy scale. Which makes me not really that crunchy I guess :) We don't have a stroller so I  dobaby wear with a ring sling, we make our own baby food, we limit screen time, try to buy natural products, and we use a cloth diaper/disposable hybrid. But we also allow plastic toys, we supplemented with formula after a few months, and I didn't have a natural birth (epidural!), amongst other things.

There are so many ways to parent. There are a lot of choices to make based on lifestyle, priorities, work, availability. And parents can be very protective of their choices. Maybe it's because we love our kids so much that we need to believe that our choices are what's best for them. But, the result is that when you're a new parent, it can be awkward to discuss your choices with other parents. You don't want to feel judged, and you also don't want to judge others. So, you try not to engage in touchy or controversial subjects until you know someone well and know you're on the same page.

It's a funny thing, you want to connect with other parents (members of your new tribe!). But you need to approach with caution and find "your people". I feel lucky that the moms I know are open and even if we have taken different approaches, we support each others choices. Because we do all need support.

Photo via. 

The art of the imperfect

As a new blogger I'm exploring this new medium and one of the things I think about is what and how much of my life to share. Recent blog posts by Sydney and Joy have me reflecting on this. One of the reasons I decided to blog was to feel part of the community of female bloggers. These posts by fellow moms are a perfect example.

What I got from these posts is that everyone struggles. We may not share all the details of our lives, and we may not talk about the darker times, as those are usually the most intimate. But these other woman have full lives as mothers, wives, friends, daughters, sisters, while also working in one way or another. The same things I try to balance in my life. And of course there is the time we all need for ourselves! There are days when I feel I am succeeding. And there are others when I feel I've gotten things completely wrong. Most days are somewhere in the middle.

I love being a wife to my husband. I love being a mom to my daughter. I hold my friendships very dear. And I value family. I appreciate taking time to myself (something that helps me deal with stress). I also enjoy working and being able to support my family. I try to focus on the enjoyment of these things in the moments I'm in them, and not think about what I'm missing while I'm focused on one and not the other.

When the Pepper was still very little, I spoke to a dear friend recently after I went back to work about the guilt of not being with her more. My friend, another working mom, said that guilt was just going to be part of things now. But, she also assured me that I was doing a great job and that even though I was going to feel guilt, it wasn't something I needed to feel. It was so understanding and accepting and honest. When I have moments of doubt I think back to that conversation, and to all the women struggling to find balance in their lives.

My thoughts on the "post-baby body"

 

I've seen a number of articles on the web lately about post-baby bodies. There seems to be a trend of woman posting their amazing looking post-baby bodies, and then a wave of discussion about if it's fair or if it's fat-shaming. I don't know how I feel about the trend. But I can share how I think about the female body during the changes it goes through when creating, birthing, and then nurturing a baby.

The way the body handles pregnancy and then post-partum differs for everyone. There really are 2 factors that contribute: genetics and lifestyle. One you have no control over, the other (to be honest) you have minimal control over once you also have a baby to take care of. I suppose medical issues would be considered a 3rd factor though not having experienced that I won't touch on it. To speak to genetics...

Girls, gender colors, and princess culture

We decided not to find out the gender of our baby while we were pregnant. And it was funny to me how often people asked "but what color clothes are you going to buy for it?". Seems to me that there are lots of colors that a baby can wear that aren't pink or blue. But we as a culture seem to have certain ideas about gender and what each gender should be. But a good reminder that these things are subjective is this article which notes that until the 1940s boys were actually encouraged to wear pink and girls blue!