Craving some beautiful bras

One thing I always notice when I really go through my clothing is how I don't have pretty underthings. I've always gone for function when it comes to my undies and bras. In fact, my go to underwear right now are my Gap maternity thongs which are so comfortable! And I don't even have many bras. For a long time I didn't wear them because I actually didn't need them. When I entered the professional world I bought a few to wear under my business clothes, and I bought some simple cotton bras from American Apparel to accommodate the changes that come with pregnancy and postpartum. They all have served their purpose well but none are particularly attractive or notable.

But I just found this Etsy shop and now I think I'm going to have to treat myself to something pretty. Especially since in summer I like to wear loose fitting tank tops where my bra is seen a bit. How pretty would be to instead of the basic cotton to have a little lace showing instead! And they look very comfortable. I want to get this one to wear under my racer-back tanks, this one to wear under t-shirts, and this one to wear under button-up shirts and dresses.

Do you have a favorite? Any other brands you recommend?

Image of the triangle lace bralette. How pretty is the back!

Friendships after baby

Last night two of my good friends came over. I made pasta, they brought salad and dessert. Wine was had, catching up was done, we did some itsy-bitsy spider with the Pepper, and they finished off their visit by reading her a bedtime story. It's so nice when I get to have some girl-time with my friends and it got me to thinking about maintaining friendships once you have a baby.

I hear a lot of moms talk about how difficult it is to maintain friendships once they have their first child. And yes it's harder to get together with friends. But this isn't unique to motherhood. Any major life change usually has an impact to your social life. If you start a new job you may be working longer hours for example, or when you start a new relationship you'll have fewer evenings available. The biggest challenge with having a baby is the schedule. They need to eat and sleep and you try to get into a rhythm with this stuff because it's helpful to maintain a routine. But, I tried to keep our routine flexible enough that we could accommodate a lunch date or a dinner party. One thing that has helped is that our little one actually doesn't go to bed very early. She usually goes to bed between 9pm-9:30pm which means we can still get together in the evenings with friends. For example, last night the ladies arrived around 6:30 so we still have a few good hours to together before I had to get involved in bedtime.

The other challenge is that babies are babies. They need attention, they cry, they need to be changed, they can be gross. While some people don't like trying to deal with these distractions,  I've found most of my friends are very accommodating. They love my little girl! They like interacting with her and playing with her. And while it can take us longer to get through a conversation now that I often need to pause to help the Pepper with her toys, we still get there. And these friends end up developing a relationship with my child too which I think is great. I want the Pepper to have lots of wonderful "aunties" in her life. On that note, I want to give a special shout-out to my friends last night who were very gracious when the Pepper pooped on the floor in front of them.

As a mom I also found that I made new friends with parents who also have children of a similar age. And luckily those relationships can be easily kept-up through play-dates and such.  Those women are so important because we can talk about the particular challenges of motherhood and learn from each others experiences. But, I also value my friendships with the woman that I've known a long time and who are in a different phase of life than me. And with a little thought and effort (and understanding on their side) I have found it's not impossible to maintain those friendships. Which I am thankful for.

Image from a recent LA visit from my dear from New York (right). Other dear friend and her daughter also joined (left). We all became friends back high school!

What does your partnership look like?

A family is like a team and every family I know manages the roles and responsibilities of their team differently. These days anything goes, it's about what works. But of course our histories and family of origin have an impact on what we expect from our home life. I've been thinking about that since I read this article about how woman who grow up in households where the dad participates in the housework are more ambitious in their careers. I guess I'm one of those women. Both of my parents worked. My mom was lucky to be able to be with me for the full first year of my life, but after that she continued working as a psychologist and pursued her PhD in psychology. I had wonderful nannies, and then a great preschool I still have fond memories of. But I also saw my dad at home a lot. He worked as a camera-man and editor and he did his editing out of a home office. His schedule was therefore flexible. I remember him cooking dinner. He would sew up rips in my clothes. He helped me with my homework. And he also worked in this cool room with large screens and a computer and I would go in there and watch him cut and type. I guess I saw him do everything. And I saw my mom do everything too.

And without even consciously choosing to turns out that is the situation I have now with my husband. We both work, and we both take care of the household. We've fallen into certain habits that makes the system efficient. For example, I'll write up the grocery list and then D will get the groceries. He'll do the dishes in the morning and start the dishwasher and I'll unload the dishwasher in the afternoon. But we both cook (depending on who feels like they have the most time that day). We'll both do laundry. We'll both clean (or we sometimes treat ourselves to a cleaning service). It works for us. I know other families have other situations. Luckily I work from home so I can take a 10 minute break during the day to make the bed. And D works for himself so he has the ability go grocery shopping in the middle of the day. It's a constant dance but luckily we do have the ability to fit things in when we need them to get done. And I am constantly thankful that I have a partner in this and that we can work as a team.

How did the family you grew up in effect how you have structured your current family? What works for you and what doesn't?

And on a separate but related note, this is an interesting piece about the sometimes negative effects of societies preference for two-parent households. Worth a read.

Image via.

Talking about something personal today

Have you seen this great ad for a new product targeted to tween girls? Bravo. Funny and sweet and effective marketing. But it also makes me think of when I had my "first moon". It's maybe a funny thing to talk about as it's an intimate subject. But, about half the people in the world deal with the exact same thing! And while of course it's an important milestone in a young woman's life, I'm realizing that it's an important parenting milestone too.

While I'm sure my mom did talk to me about this aspect of womanhood, the lesson I remember on the subject was actually the one done at my elementary school. I think I was in 4th grade and I was invited to school for a special evening "sex-ed" class. I don't even remember if my mom was there with me or not but it was an all-girl class (I assume the boys had a similar one) and the part that stayed with me was learning about how to use tampons. They seemed like such an extreme thing! I was interested and a little scared by them. It was a memorable and I have to admit valuable lesson.

I can't remember exactly how old I was when I got my period. Maybe 12 or 13? I didn't feel like I was late or early so either my friends didn't talk about it or I was average to my peer group. But, unfortunately my parents were separated at the time. My mom was out of the country on her first trip with her boyfriend and I was home with my dad and my little brother. Luckily, my dad and I were very close and so I didn't mind telling what was going on and asking him to help me get supplies. But, that was about it. I got what I needed to deal and that was my entrance into "womanhood". It was uneventful.

When my mom did get back from her trip I actually didn't want to tell her what happened. I think I was angry with her for not being there for this very feminine event in my life and I just didn't know how to engage that. I believe I wanted to punish her by keeping it from her. I don't remember how it came out but I recall we were driving in the car probably to pick up my brother from somewhere and I just couldn't avoid telling her. She was very excited and supportive but I think she felt that I was upset about the circumstances and that made her feel guilty. She said we'd celebrate by having some quality mother-daughter time and drinking some red wine. I don't know if that ever happened or not. If it did, obviously it wasn't something that felt meaningful.

My first moon was sort of lonely and isolated. I appreciate my dad being there and rolling with it. But it was a solitary experience for me. I'm sot sure if that is good or bad. Since I didn't have a big sister I think it would have been nice if my mom had been there and we could have marked the milestone more and used it as a way to talk about growing up.

I know it's a intimate subject but if other people want to share their stories I'd love to hear them!

I have something to admit

After seeing this video from Laci Green, I can say that I am a feminist. This isn't something I was always comfortable saying before. Even though I know the definition of feminism is someone who wants equal rights for both men and women, it does get twisted into more extreme stereotypes. I am not a man-hater, for example. And I do acknowledge that men and women are different and we tend to have different talents and skills. But, none of that means we can't be equal in terms of our opportunities in life, and in how we are treated.

None of the facts in this video are new to me but when you compile them together they are just hard to ignore. I'm lucky that I have not felt mistreated as a woman in my life. I don't feel I deal with much discrimination because of my gender. I have not been sexually assaulted or overtly sexually harassed. But that doesn't make the facts or statistics less real. It also doesn't mean that I may just not notice the times where I am treated differently because I'm a woman. There have been times I've been talking to my husband about something that happened during the day and he points out that maybe someone was acting sexist. I usually disagree with him but I know that there is a chance he's right and I just can't (or don't want to) see it. That actually worries me the most. That the discrimination is so normal to me that I don't even know it's there.

And speaking of woman's issues, this post by Gabrielle is a thoughtful look at the #yesallwomen hashtag. Worth a read.

Knowing your value

Have you read Mika Brzezinski's book "Knowing Your Value"? If you are a working women I highly recommend it. It was something D bought for me when I was thinking about how to best move forward in my career and it really helped me put things in perspective.

Mika's story is that she discovered that she was making significantly less than her co-worker, for doing the same job. Instead of blaming the company she decided to look at how she had found herself in that situation. In both her self-exploration and her research into woman in the workforce there seemed to be a common thread of women under-valuing themselves. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but women tend to not ask for competitive salaries. They don't ask for raises. They don't feel comfortable negotiating. They have trouble standing up for themselves. And I certainly fall in this category. Asking for a raise is something I dread doing. But it's so important.

Even though I read Mika's book years ago now, there are things she said that have really stayed with me. One is that managers are looking to get their employees for as little money as possible. Helping the company make better profits is part of a manager's job. So, if a manager can get you for a lower salary, they will. Therefore you need to be your own advocate when it comes to your compensation. The other thing she noted is that if, as a woman, you are the breadwinner of the family, then what you make directly impacts your family's quality of life. If you don't ensure you are making a fair wage, then your family's finances are not as strong. As the current breadwinner of my family I think of this a every time I think about my career path. Mika also touches on tricks for negotiating which I have used myself. 

I think this book is a must read for any women, even those that aren't working. It touches on some of the key differences between men and women and how that can effect our social interactions. Valuable stuff to keep in mind!

Image via.

Are you a Diva at work?

Have you read this article in the The Atlantic about the importance confidence has in career advancement, in particlue how it effects the way men and women advance? It was an eye-opening article. I don't tend to like generalizations, especially when it comes to gender. But this article has enough statistics and real-life anecdotes that it's something to think about. And it has me remembering a conversation I recently had with a good friend.

Mom Wars: Leaning In?

There is so much in the media these days about women in the workplace and whether you should lean-in or lean-out. I read this post a while back and I was sort of taken aback. I'm a working mom. I work full-time and am the primary bread-winner at the moment for our household. So it was sad to read that women who are "leaning-in" to their careers are reporting to be unhappy and feeling the toll on their families. But what really surprised me was the poll at the bottom. I selected the "Lean in" option and was shocked to see that only 9% of the poll-takers were with me. And then I was even more shocked to see that the majority chose the "Recline" option over the "Neither" option. I had thought that these days with the cost of living and the recent economy challenges that I was in the majority and that a lot of women were sharing my experience. I'm surprised to find out I may be in the minority on this one, and that's been further confirmed by the recent reports that more and more women are becoming stay-at-home moms.

When it comes to Leaning-in, for me I guess it just feels necessary. I have a career and my career is crucial to the health of my family. Making sure to make choices that will advance my career means my family is more financially stable. I have luckily been able to be at companies that are supportive of my home life. My current company for example is made up of many parents and my ability to work from home means that even when I work a lot I am at least around and I don't loose time commuting, and I know a lot of working women don't get that privilege. But I didn't take much time off for maternity leave, for example, because I needed to get back into the job and make sure I want adding value at the company. And while I would have loved more time off to be there when the Pepper was really little, I don't regret that decisions because it has paid off in other ways. And those other ways help our family because they allow us to live in a place we like or go to the better daycare or take that trip to visit D's family. It's a trade off. I often wish I had more time to spend taking care of the home and taking care of my child. But considering my life and the options I have, I feel good about my choices (most of the time).

Maybe one reason I feel ok leaning-in is that I have a great partner in my husband. I don't feel solely responsible for both our family income and taking care of the house. D and I both work, and D and I share responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, child care, even the Pepper's doctor's appointments. And D will offer to put the little one to bed if I have an invite to go have a late dinner with some girlfriends since he wants me to have that time to myself. Maybe I'd find leaning-in harder if I felt just as much pressure to do everything at home as I do to excel in my career. But luckily my partner helps me keep things balanced and I'm grateful for that every day.

As usual it's normally about trying to keep perspective. There is a lot of cultural pressure to be amazing at everything. Even if I choose to lean-in I try to remember that as long as I am being the mother I want to be to the Pepper that she and our family will be ok. As long as I am loving, and consistent, and that when I am with her I am totally present: that's the most important thing. It's important to stay reasonable, and this applies to leaning-in to work. I sometimes decline traveling for work if it's given to me as optional because I like to reduce the time I am away. But then I'll try to put some effort in elsewhere that fits with my family schedule better (maybe do some extra work on the weekend while the Pepper is napping).

One thing interesting to me is that most of the moms I know have a complicated relationship with their career status. The working moms, like me, have quilt about working and not being with their kids all day. As one of my friends said to me "you're a working-mom now, guilt is just part of it". But the stay-at-home moms also find it challenging. Many of them talk about feeling isolated and feeling like they are loosing themselves since they don't have time to do anything not related to their kids. One friend, an architect, worries that she will loose her skill-set by being out of the workforce for the next several years, and this is a skill-set she spent considerable time and money to build-up. Another friend told me about how now that shes not working, she really misses having her own money. I guess it's a case of the grass is always greener. Or it's just the result of needing to make decisions. Usually when you choose one thing there are other things you give up. It's ok to make sacrifices as long as you are doing it with reason and are keeping things in perspective. I'm a lean-in mom and I'm ok with that, but hopefully I'll have a chance to recline one day and see things from the other side.

Image via.

The Thicke dilemma

I'm definitely a little behind in terms of pop culture. I keep up with the headlines but that's about it. I'm of course heard of Robin Thicke, I know about his racy performance with Miley Cyrus, I've read blog articles about the controversy around his song "Blurred Lines" and accompanying video. But turns out, I had never actually heard the song before this weekend.

As I'm getting ready for my next haircut this weekend I watched the cute video Garance made after she decided to chop it all off. Along with admiring her cut I was really digging the song she used. In an attempt to find the name of the song I searched the comments on the video which led me to discover that this was in fact the infamous "Blurred Lines"! What?! This song was so pop-y and catch-y, how could it be the "rape-y" song I've heard so much about. This led me to also watch the video (both versions). So now I had a dilemma. The song was stuck in my head, but do i download it?

The videos I didn't have a problem with. Yes there are mostly naked women strutting around clothed men. But that doesn't offend me. I have no problem with nudity, and nothing was sexually explicit. Seemed fairly mild or at least on par with other music videos, and I was actually much more put-off by Kanye and Kim's motorcycle antics. but, while the videos were ok, the looked up the lyrics to the song and there was my problem. The words of the song are sung from the male perspective and basically, it's a guy dancing or getting close to a girl and deciding that he knows she wants it. That, based on how she's touching him, she must want sex. There is no indication that she actually wants it, it's all his assumptions. That is kind of creepy and yes "rape-y". But the song still has a good beat!

I asked D is I should buy the song because it's catchy, or I should take a stand and choose to not financially support something that has that sort of message. He asked me how I feel to have the Pepper hear those lyrics. Thinking of her evolving mind absorbing that kind of message helped me decide not to make the purchase. Plus, if I have a longing for the song I can always go and listed to Marvin Gaye :)

Image from the "Blurred Lines" video via.