Do you take vacations?

Did you see this article about how bad American's are at taking vacations? It's kind of upsetting, and in my opinion true. Recently I've realized how burnt out I am. I haven't taken a real vacation in almost a year, and the last time I took time off was Christmas. So that's over 9 months without time off from work. And I can feel the toll it's taking on me. I hate to admit it but I'm not being as productive or efficient at work these days because my mind is a little overloaded. It needs time to decompress, reset, and process all the information it's been taking in. And I haven't taken the time. This is partly because we like to take vacations after the summer rush as it does make things more affordable. But there are other cultural factors that create this situation.

My company works with resources all over the world. I have hired people in Switzerland, Canada, and Ukraine. The biggest difference I see when working with people from other countries is their relationship to and their expectations around time off of work. First off, they expect more of it. When hiring a resource in Switzerland I knew I had to give them the 20 paid days off of work a year required by Swiss law. But, this person actually expected 25 days off a year as this is what most Swiss companies provide. I felt bad giving him "only" 20 days off but I explained that this was already twice as much as his US colleagues received. I'm so jealous that many other countries provide more paid time off. Part of the reason we can only take one vacation a year is that if you only have 10 days off a year you can't plan a lot of trips. That's one week-long vacation and then some days off in case you get sick, need a personal day, or to celebrate the holidays. But a year is a long time to wait to get way a from work and really have a break.

The other thing I've noticed is that when my international resources do take time off they really take time off. In my experience here in the US we're always working. For example, one of my US employees emailed something over Thanksgiving, and I responded! We both told each other to go back to enjoying our holiday but there we were emailing on our work accounts. As a comparison, if one of our Ukrainian employees gets sick, they are out of  contact for a week. It gets challenging at times when someone disappears but if they are sick shouldn't they be resting and focusing on getting better? Aren't they entitled to that? And we are always able to make it work without them somehow and continue (though we are thrilled when they return). We always survive. And they take the time they need to be healthy and return to work at their best.

What I appreciate about my international team is that they don't feel guilty for expecting time off or taking time off. They see it as a necessary part of life. If they are happy and healthy in their life they will be better workers and they will produce better results. They will have energy to be creative. They can respond quicker to needs. They can be focused and efficient.

I hope this country can move towards a company culture that is more accepting of time off. I think we do worry what others will think; that we will be deemed "less" for not working. But it's important to take the time and to feel ok about it. I know that when my vacation comes up in a few weeks I'm really going to try to enjoy it and disconnect because I know it will allow me to come back to work refreshed and better than ever.

Do you feel you take enough time off of work?

Image from our vacation last September. The Pepper was a chubby 6 months old!

What does your partnership look like?

A family is like a team and every family I know manages the roles and responsibilities of their team differently. These days anything goes, it's about what works. But of course our histories and family of origin have an impact on what we expect from our home life. I've been thinking about that since I read this article about how woman who grow up in households where the dad participates in the housework are more ambitious in their careers. I guess I'm one of those women. Both of my parents worked. My mom was lucky to be able to be with me for the full first year of my life, but after that she continued working as a psychologist and pursued her PhD in psychology. I had wonderful nannies, and then a great preschool I still have fond memories of. But I also saw my dad at home a lot. He worked as a camera-man and editor and he did his editing out of a home office. His schedule was therefore flexible. I remember him cooking dinner. He would sew up rips in my clothes. He helped me with my homework. And he also worked in this cool room with large screens and a computer and I would go in there and watch him cut and type. I guess I saw him do everything. And I saw my mom do everything too.

And without even consciously choosing to turns out that is the situation I have now with my husband. We both work, and we both take care of the household. We've fallen into certain habits that makes the system efficient. For example, I'll write up the grocery list and then D will get the groceries. He'll do the dishes in the morning and start the dishwasher and I'll unload the dishwasher in the afternoon. But we both cook (depending on who feels like they have the most time that day). We'll both do laundry. We'll both clean (or we sometimes treat ourselves to a cleaning service). It works for us. I know other families have other situations. Luckily I work from home so I can take a 10 minute break during the day to make the bed. And D works for himself so he has the ability go grocery shopping in the middle of the day. It's a constant dance but luckily we do have the ability to fit things in when we need them to get done. And I am constantly thankful that I have a partner in this and that we can work as a team.

How did the family you grew up in effect how you have structured your current family? What works for you and what doesn't?

And on a separate but related note, this is an interesting piece about the sometimes negative effects of societies preference for two-parent households. Worth a read.

Image via.

Finding mental space

This week has been a busy work week for me. There has been a lot of meetings and timelines and deadlines and items that we need to be moved forward. At this point in my career I'm good with organization and prioritization. I have my days organized with what I need to accomplish. I have the needed chucks of time set aside in my calendar. I know what needs to be done when and what can wait until next week. But I do struggle when I get to that point in a day when I feel fried; when my mind needs a rest and I'm having trouble putting thoughts together. And I don't have good solutions for how to take the needed break and reset. I like the idea of going someplace and sitting quietly without a screen in front of me. But living in a loft makes it hard to find space. Sometimes I like to cook but when it's a busy day I don't have time to take on a little kitchen project. Do I take a walk? Do I read a few pages in a book? Do I go to the couch and close my eyes for 5 minutes? When I'm burnt out it's hard to even know how to handle it. Normally I take a moment to stand up and put my head between my legs let the blood rush. It seems to help but it's not quite cutting it this week. I need a new approach.

I'm hoping that with our move to Ojai I'll be able to more easily step outside and look at a pretty view and recharge that way. But please send suggestions my way for how you take a moment to give your mind a break when it's reached a saturation point.

Image via.

Thinking about my dream office

With our upcoming move I'm starting to get excited about one of the biggest changes to our lives: I'll finally have a work space! I work at home and right now and because we're in a loft that means I work at our dining room table. I manage it in various ways but it's started to feel harder and harder. Luckily my husband has agreed that finding a place that will allow me an office is a priority (thank you D!) and I can't wait. I don't know yet what my office space will be like or how big it will be but I have a couple of ideas:

• I really want to decorate my office space with a little whimsy. D and I are pretty aligned in our styles so it's been easy for us to decorate our home. But I do enjoy more adornment than he does and I think my office will be where I can decorate to my liking. I love the idea of having fun accents around that will amuse me or lighten my mood on stressful days. I definitely want to get a fun vase like this fox or this couple to keep flowers in.
• I want to improve my ergonomics. Right now I sit on our dining room chairs and while I do move around throughout the day I know it can't be good for my back. I'm various curious about standing desks since I know people who swear by them (one person said they work very efficiently because they are standing so you don't want to waste a moment!). But I also don't know if I'd actually like it. The other thing I'd like to try is using a yoga ball as a chair in order to "active site" and engage those important core muscles.
• I'm on a lot of calls where I need to listen but not necessary participate (like project demos). I find that I need something to occupy my hands while on these calls so that I can actually listen and not start daydreaming. Someone told me that coloring books is a good way to give yourself something easy to do in order to keep your mind focused on more important and complex stuff. I love this idea so much that I definitely want to get something like this and a set of colored pencils to doodle with while I work. I guess I could do this now but I don't have places to keep anything so I try to have as little work paraphernalia as possible. Once I have my own designated area I'll feel free to expand my footprint a little bit.

More than anything, I think having a separate office at home will give me the space I need to work efficiently and effectively. Not just the physical space but the mental space. A place with no distractions. A place that is my own. A place where my mind can focus on the task at hand. I'm looking forward to it!

Anyone have any suggestions on how they have made working t home easier for them?

Image via.

Knowing your value

Have you read Mika Brzezinski's book "Knowing Your Value"? If you are a working women I highly recommend it. It was something D bought for me when I was thinking about how to best move forward in my career and it really helped me put things in perspective.

Mika's story is that she discovered that she was making significantly less than her co-worker, for doing the same job. Instead of blaming the company she decided to look at how she had found herself in that situation. In both her self-exploration and her research into woman in the workforce there seemed to be a common thread of women under-valuing themselves. Of course this isn't true for everyone, but women tend to not ask for competitive salaries. They don't ask for raises. They don't feel comfortable negotiating. They have trouble standing up for themselves. And I certainly fall in this category. Asking for a raise is something I dread doing. But it's so important.

Even though I read Mika's book years ago now, there are things she said that have really stayed with me. One is that managers are looking to get their employees for as little money as possible. Helping the company make better profits is part of a manager's job. So, if a manager can get you for a lower salary, they will. Therefore you need to be your own advocate when it comes to your compensation. The other thing she noted is that if, as a woman, you are the breadwinner of the family, then what you make directly impacts your family's quality of life. If you don't ensure you are making a fair wage, then your family's finances are not as strong. As the current breadwinner of my family I think of this a every time I think about my career path. Mika also touches on tricks for negotiating which I have used myself. 

I think this book is a must read for any women, even those that aren't working. It touches on some of the key differences between men and women and how that can effect our social interactions. Valuable stuff to keep in mind!

Image via.

Being away

I'm traveling for work right now, something I need to do periodically. My company is based in Cleveland and I had to fly in for a management meeting. It's always really great to be in the office. Having the team together feels so productive and collaborative. It strengthens our existence as a team working toward a common goal and shared success. I feel energized and excited about my work after spending time with my colleagues in our office.

But it's hard to be away. I've taken a few trips since the Pepper's birth, usually work related, and this one has been the hardest. When she was younger being away didn't feel as crucial. She was less aware, and she slept so much of the time I didn't feel I was missing too much. I was able to feel ok about being gone from her. But this trip feels different. She's changed so much in the last few months. She's so much more engaged with us. She knows what's going on. Plus, she's in her separation anxiety stage. So I miss her! I miss playing with her and reading to her. And I feel like I'm missing out on her discovery of her world and herself. And I worry she misses me.

I know it's illogical to worry. I know she'll be fine. I know it's ok for me to be away (just 2 days!) and I know she won't be emotionally scared. I know these things. But it's hard to feel them sometimes.

Image via.

Are you a Diva at work?

Have you read this article in the The Atlantic about the importance confidence has in career advancement, in particlue how it effects the way men and women advance? It was an eye-opening article. I don't tend to like generalizations, especially when it comes to gender. But this article has enough statistics and real-life anecdotes that it's something to think about. And it has me remembering a conversation I recently had with a good friend.

Mom Wars: Leaning In?

There is so much in the media these days about women in the workplace and whether you should lean-in or lean-out. I read this post a while back and I was sort of taken aback. I'm a working mom. I work full-time and am the primary bread-winner at the moment for our household. So it was sad to read that women who are "leaning-in" to their careers are reporting to be unhappy and feeling the toll on their families. But what really surprised me was the poll at the bottom. I selected the "Lean in" option and was shocked to see that only 9% of the poll-takers were with me. And then I was even more shocked to see that the majority chose the "Recline" option over the "Neither" option. I had thought that these days with the cost of living and the recent economy challenges that I was in the majority and that a lot of women were sharing my experience. I'm surprised to find out I may be in the minority on this one, and that's been further confirmed by the recent reports that more and more women are becoming stay-at-home moms.

When it comes to Leaning-in, for me I guess it just feels necessary. I have a career and my career is crucial to the health of my family. Making sure to make choices that will advance my career means my family is more financially stable. I have luckily been able to be at companies that are supportive of my home life. My current company for example is made up of many parents and my ability to work from home means that even when I work a lot I am at least around and I don't loose time commuting, and I know a lot of working women don't get that privilege. But I didn't take much time off for maternity leave, for example, because I needed to get back into the job and make sure I want adding value at the company. And while I would have loved more time off to be there when the Pepper was really little, I don't regret that decisions because it has paid off in other ways. And those other ways help our family because they allow us to live in a place we like or go to the better daycare or take that trip to visit D's family. It's a trade off. I often wish I had more time to spend taking care of the home and taking care of my child. But considering my life and the options I have, I feel good about my choices (most of the time).

Maybe one reason I feel ok leaning-in is that I have a great partner in my husband. I don't feel solely responsible for both our family income and taking care of the house. D and I both work, and D and I share responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, child care, even the Pepper's doctor's appointments. And D will offer to put the little one to bed if I have an invite to go have a late dinner with some girlfriends since he wants me to have that time to myself. Maybe I'd find leaning-in harder if I felt just as much pressure to do everything at home as I do to excel in my career. But luckily my partner helps me keep things balanced and I'm grateful for that every day.

As usual it's normally about trying to keep perspective. There is a lot of cultural pressure to be amazing at everything. Even if I choose to lean-in I try to remember that as long as I am being the mother I want to be to the Pepper that she and our family will be ok. As long as I am loving, and consistent, and that when I am with her I am totally present: that's the most important thing. It's important to stay reasonable, and this applies to leaning-in to work. I sometimes decline traveling for work if it's given to me as optional because I like to reduce the time I am away. But then I'll try to put some effort in elsewhere that fits with my family schedule better (maybe do some extra work on the weekend while the Pepper is napping).

One thing interesting to me is that most of the moms I know have a complicated relationship with their career status. The working moms, like me, have quilt about working and not being with their kids all day. As one of my friends said to me "you're a working-mom now, guilt is just part of it". But the stay-at-home moms also find it challenging. Many of them talk about feeling isolated and feeling like they are loosing themselves since they don't have time to do anything not related to their kids. One friend, an architect, worries that she will loose her skill-set by being out of the workforce for the next several years, and this is a skill-set she spent considerable time and money to build-up. Another friend told me about how now that shes not working, she really misses having her own money. I guess it's a case of the grass is always greener. Or it's just the result of needing to make decisions. Usually when you choose one thing there are other things you give up. It's ok to make sacrifices as long as you are doing it with reason and are keeping things in perspective. I'm a lean-in mom and I'm ok with that, but hopefully I'll have a chance to recline one day and see things from the other side.

Image via.

Are you focusing on what's most important to you?

A few weeks ago my boss sent me an email saying his mentor was going to be giving a speaking engagement in LA. I hate giving up my evenings with the Pepper, but I felt it was important to go and D agreed. So one Thursday night I reluctantly went to see Dr. John Demartini speak, and I was very pleasantly surprised. He gave a great talk. He was insightful, knowledgeable, engaging, and really funny! And I've been thinking about what he said ever since.

One of the things he talked about the stuck wit me is the idea of our values: the things we prioritize in our lives. Everyone has a unique value system, it is what makes us individuals. Being aware of what your values are is important and being true to that will theoretically make you happy. When someone tries to put you down or judge you, they are trying to put their values onto you and that is harmful. Conversely, if you admire someone and put them on a pedestal you may try to put their values on yourself, which is also harmful. It was an interesting way to look at relationships and made me view some of the key relationships in my life differently.

But the thing that keeps spinning in my mind is the idea on personal values. Demartini says that your highest value or highest priority is what you will endure both pleasure and pain for. You will take the bad with the good because it is something innate to you. You will do it or pursue it without being told to or forced to. When he said this I thought of my husband and how D is so clear in his pursuit of is music career. When he is making music he is clearly his most true self. But then I wondered, what's my highest value? What makes me my truest self? I was shocked that I didn't have an answer. My first go to was being a mother. Because I will endure any pain in the pursuit of being a mother to my little one. But as most parents would I wondered if that was too simple an answer. I decided that maybe I need to spend some time thinking about what I value and prioritize. It will help me knwo myself and focus my life in the areas that will bring me the highest rewards.

After I raved about the lecture my boss was thoughtful enough to send me this book to read. While I haven't had a chance yet I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure it will give me a lot more to think about.

Image via.

The good and bad of nannies...

Inspired by reading this article, I've been thinking about nannies. Since both D and I work full-time we need child care. We applied to daycares as early as possible but in Los Angeles the wait lists are long. So, when I needed to go back to work we had to find a nanny. Luckily, our good friend was looking for work so we decided to give it a try and it's worked out so well, though it has it's downsides.

Having a nanny is more expensive by the hour than daycare. So our daycare budget gets us a part-time nanny. Right now our schedule is that Tuesday - Friday, our nanny comes 4 hours each day (my mom comes on Mondays). This means that D has to watch the Pepper during the hours the nanny isn't there but I need to work. Because D works for himself he is able to accommodate this, but it means that his work hours are unconventional and often has to work late at night which cuts into time we could spend connecting as a couple. And while our nanny does accommodate schedule requests we make, because we have a budget for how many hours we can spend on child care a month there is an inflexibility to the situation.

But the great part is that we have our little one at home so we know the food she is eating and the toys she is playing with. And our nanny is great about following our requests or asking us how we want to handle things when we haven't given instructions. And the Pepper loves her Auntie (what we call our nanny). They have developed a wonderful relationship. Along with the anxieties about loosing control when she does finally get into daycare, I will feel sad that that relationship will change. But hopefully our nanny will always be in the Pepper's life.

But it can be a tricky relationship. I'm lucky that our nanny is also our friend and therefore we are very comfortable with her and trust her 100%. And she's great about deferring to what we want for our little one. But as a working mom I of course have guilt about how much time I spend with my baby. I worry that my work means I don't spend enough time with her. And when I see how much she loves her "Auntie" I have moments of jealously and anxiety. The nanny plays with her all day and they have such a fun time together. At the end of my work day I'm exhausted and while I carve out play time with the Pepper I also take time to do laundry or make food. So I worry that my baby doesn't enjoy her time with me like she does with her Auntie. But I work to quell those because I also know that having another strong relationship in her life is only good for the Pepper. And I'm glad that the Pepper has so much fun everyday. And I remind myself that no matter what, I'll always be her mommy and of course she loves me.

A photo of the Pepper with her "Auntie" from Christmas:

Top image by Ellen Jacob via.

Getting back into the routine

Wow, 2014 has started fast out of the gate. We saw in the New Year in Michigan and then the next few days were a bit busy as I worked and we prepared to come home. We spent the weekend back in Los Angeles catching up which meant restocking the fridge and working on the baby jet-lag.

But then Monday hit and it was BOOM! Back to the daily routine. That means working, exercising, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. After a few weeks of enjoying being guests at other people's homes having to take part in running my household feels like a shift.

And then there's the usual January work mania. It happens every year so I don't know why I'm surprised. Things are slow over the holidays. Clients go on vacation, everyone takes the holidays off, internally our teams are thin. But all that relaxation gives people time to reflect and put lots of thoughts together on all the things they want to do when they get back. Add that to the sense that people feel like all that time off put them behind, and the eagerness causes a bombardment of work.

So far this week I think both D and I have struggled to not feel overwhelmed with being home and jumping back full into work. I'm hoping by the end of the week we'll have gotten our stride back and everyone will have calmed down a bit. If this week is any hint though 2014 is going to be an exciting year!

Image via.

The art of the imperfect

As a new blogger I'm exploring this new medium and one of the things I think about is what and how much of my life to share. Recent blog posts by Sydney and Joy have me reflecting on this. One of the reasons I decided to blog was to feel part of the community of female bloggers. These posts by fellow moms are a perfect example.

What I got from these posts is that everyone struggles. We may not share all the details of our lives, and we may not talk about the darker times, as those are usually the most intimate. But these other woman have full lives as mothers, wives, friends, daughters, sisters, while also working in one way or another. The same things I try to balance in my life. And of course there is the time we all need for ourselves! There are days when I feel I am succeeding. And there are others when I feel I've gotten things completely wrong. Most days are somewhere in the middle.

I love being a wife to my husband. I love being a mom to my daughter. I hold my friendships very dear. And I value family. I appreciate taking time to myself (something that helps me deal with stress). I also enjoy working and being able to support my family. I try to focus on the enjoyment of these things in the moments I'm in them, and not think about what I'm missing while I'm focused on one and not the other.

When the Pepper was still very little, I spoke to a dear friend recently after I went back to work about the guilt of not being with her more. My friend, another working mom, said that guilt was just going to be part of things now. But, she also assured me that I was doing a great job and that even though I was going to feel guilt, it wasn't something I needed to feel. It was so understanding and accepting and honest. When I have moments of doubt I think back to that conversation, and to all the women struggling to find balance in their lives.

What determines success?

I enjoy reading the Free Range Kids blog written by Lenore Skenazy. While I try to to subscribe to one parenting philosophy, I like a lot of the principles of Free Range Kids. It's basically anti-helicopter parenting. It's about trusting your kids abilities, and not letting fear dictate how we parent. It's about teaching kids responsibility and self reliance. I feel I was raised this way and some of my fondest memories are of when I was alone and exploring. The Pepper is still young so I can't say yet how I'll feel as she gets older, but I will try to hold onto these principles and help them guide the choices I make as her parent.

This recent post on Lenore's blog caught my eye. A woman was questioning her free range parenting choices. She seemed to feel that kids who were helicopter parented were "succeeding" over her kids. Getting better grades, getting into good colleges, getting jobs. This questioning distressed me and I was prompted to add a comment which Lenore highlighted in it's own post today. What I wrote was: