Horses and tangarines

This last weekend was beautiful here in Ojai so we decided to head over to our friends ranch and enjoy walking thorugh their orange groves. There was an added bonus that our friends were taking their horses out, a treat for the Pepper who loves all things horsey right now.

Everything right now is related to big things and small things. Big things are mommies, little things are babies. It's very cute. So of course she wanted us to pick a mommy tangerine and a baby tangerine. She has started to want to dress herself so she picked her outfit. It's all about dresses right now which makes me regret buying all those practical t-shirts going unused in her closet. She also loves to wear both her bracelets and doesn't liek to leave the house without her hat.

Even though we spend a lot of time visiting our friend's horses this was the Pepper's first time on a horse! Look at that happy face. She was so thrilled. I hope we can do more of this for her.

What's your vice?

So it's Friday and the end of my work week is getting closer and I am feeling excited about picking up the Pepper from daycare, coming home, hanging out, and then once D is done with his work sharing our Friday tradition: tequila shots! Ok, I know that sounds really immature but there is something about a tequila shot that really relaxes me. It's like a little hammer to anxiety. And sometimes I need a little help unwinding and easing into the slower pace of the weekend.

I can admit that of all the vices alcohol is probably mine. I've never been interested in smoking, I eat pretty healthily, I stick to an exercise routine. But everyone gets to have one vice right? And I am a lady who enjoys a glass of wine. Or a little sipping tequila (and of course I'm talking about in moderation). I like the social aspect of drinking and love getting together with friends over some wine. I also enjoy the times D and I have to ourselves and we pour some drinks and sit on the porch and talk. It's probably a cultural thing. The family I grew up in often included alcohol in meals or get-to-gethers. My mom is from a former British colony and she herself grew up with a 5pm daily cocktail hour so that spilled over into my home life. But it always made things feel social as people would come over to have a cocktail and everyone would sit around the table and talk while they enjoyed their drink. Even kids too young to drink knew it was a time designated to sitting back and relaxing and being together.

Now that we are so close to wine country I'm hoping to take more trips up to the beautiful Santa Ynez. Also, loved this validating article on the benefits of combining wine and fitness :)

Cheers to Friday! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

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Do you take vacations?

Did you see this article about how bad American's are at taking vacations? It's kind of upsetting, and in my opinion true. Recently I've realized how burnt out I am. I haven't taken a real vacation in almost a year, and the last time I took time off was Christmas. So that's over 9 months without time off from work. And I can feel the toll it's taking on me. I hate to admit it but I'm not being as productive or efficient at work these days because my mind is a little overloaded. It needs time to decompress, reset, and process all the information it's been taking in. And I haven't taken the time. This is partly because we like to take vacations after the summer rush as it does make things more affordable. But there are other cultural factors that create this situation.

My company works with resources all over the world. I have hired people in Switzerland, Canada, and Ukraine. The biggest difference I see when working with people from other countries is their relationship to and their expectations around time off of work. First off, they expect more of it. When hiring a resource in Switzerland I knew I had to give them the 20 paid days off of work a year required by Swiss law. But, this person actually expected 25 days off a year as this is what most Swiss companies provide. I felt bad giving him "only" 20 days off but I explained that this was already twice as much as his US colleagues received. I'm so jealous that many other countries provide more paid time off. Part of the reason we can only take one vacation a year is that if you only have 10 days off a year you can't plan a lot of trips. That's one week-long vacation and then some days off in case you get sick, need a personal day, or to celebrate the holidays. But a year is a long time to wait to get way a from work and really have a break.

The other thing I've noticed is that when my international resources do take time off they really take time off. In my experience here in the US we're always working. For example, one of my US employees emailed something over Thanksgiving, and I responded! We both told each other to go back to enjoying our holiday but there we were emailing on our work accounts. As a comparison, if one of our Ukrainian employees gets sick, they are out of  contact for a week. It gets challenging at times when someone disappears but if they are sick shouldn't they be resting and focusing on getting better? Aren't they entitled to that? And we are always able to make it work without them somehow and continue (though we are thrilled when they return). We always survive. And they take the time they need to be healthy and return to work at their best.

What I appreciate about my international team is that they don't feel guilty for expecting time off or taking time off. They see it as a necessary part of life. If they are happy and healthy in their life they will be better workers and they will produce better results. They will have energy to be creative. They can respond quicker to needs. They can be focused and efficient.

I hope this country can move towards a company culture that is more accepting of time off. I think we do worry what others will think; that we will be deemed "less" for not working. But it's important to take the time and to feel ok about it. I know that when my vacation comes up in a few weeks I'm really going to try to enjoy it and disconnect because I know it will allow me to come back to work refreshed and better than ever.

Do you feel you take enough time off of work?

Image from our vacation last September. The Pepper was a chubby 6 months old!

How much sleep do you get?

How much sleep do you get? Most week nights I get about 6 hours which are occasionally interrupted by the little one having a bad dream or something. That's not a lot. I've been feeling a bit burnt out recently and by the end of my work day I'm mentally exhausted. I'm thinking it's at least partly the result of mild sleep deprivation. Of course this is expected since I am the parent of a small child. And I know I have it better than many parents (one poor mom I know has a 9-month-old and hasn't slept for more than 2 hours in a stretch since his birth). But I still worry that I'm not getting the sleep I need to perform at the level I want to be at both personally and professionally. But how do I change it??

My company is based in Cleveland so I actually work East Coast hours. This means I get up a bit  before 6am and get right to work. In the evenings, after we've but the Pepper to bed D and I tidy up, have some adult conversation, and then try to watch a little media (right now we're watching Orange is the New Black). This is of course important time to snuggle on the couch, connect, and decompress from the day. But once that is done and I've gotten ready for bed (washed my face, brushed my teeth) it's pretty late and I end up falling asleep between 11:30pm-midnight, though usually closer to the midnight side of things. I do "sleep-in" one day on the weekends, which of course means I wake up whenever the Pepper gets up. So that buys we an extra hour of sleep or so. And I also try to schedule in at least 1 weekend nap with my baby. These are helpful but I still think I'm working with a deficit.

To could get more sleep if I went to bed earlier. But then I'd need to cut into our adult time at night and I don't want to because I enjoy that time and it's good for my mental health. So, I guess I'm just going to have to work with what I have. I know it won't be like this forever and one day I will be able to catch up on my sleep. I'm excited for that day :)

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Finding mental space

This week has been a busy work week for me. There has been a lot of meetings and timelines and deadlines and items that we need to be moved forward. At this point in my career I'm good with organization and prioritization. I have my days organized with what I need to accomplish. I have the needed chucks of time set aside in my calendar. I know what needs to be done when and what can wait until next week. But I do struggle when I get to that point in a day when I feel fried; when my mind needs a rest and I'm having trouble putting thoughts together. And I don't have good solutions for how to take the needed break and reset. I like the idea of going someplace and sitting quietly without a screen in front of me. But living in a loft makes it hard to find space. Sometimes I like to cook but when it's a busy day I don't have time to take on a little kitchen project. Do I take a walk? Do I read a few pages in a book? Do I go to the couch and close my eyes for 5 minutes? When I'm burnt out it's hard to even know how to handle it. Normally I take a moment to stand up and put my head between my legs let the blood rush. It seems to help but it's not quite cutting it this week. I need a new approach.

I'm hoping that with our move to Ojai I'll be able to more easily step outside and look at a pretty view and recharge that way. But please send suggestions my way for how you take a moment to give your mind a break when it's reached a saturation point.

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My favorite time of day

Joanna asked a question today that I was excited to respond to but instead of a long comment I decided to write about it here. I was excited to respond because she asked about my favorite time of day! Well, one of them because really I have two: when the Pepper wakes up and when the Pepper goes to bed.

Morning time is very special. I get up around 6am and start work right away (since I work East Coast hours). My little one usually wakes up sometime between 7am and 7:30am so I try to not schedule any work calls during this time. Once I hear that she's up I go and greet her. I pick her up and take her to daddy in bed and when my schedule allows we snuggle in bed for 10 minutes or so before starting the day. I love this snuggle time. During the day the Pepper is always on the go wanting to play or run or do something. But in bed in the morning she's happy to lie there and be close to us. We may find belly buttons or name parts of the face, but most of the time is spent just holding each other. Such a nice quiet time of day.

Bedtime is less quiet but equally enjoyable. After dinner our bedtime routine starts. Every other day this includes a bath but whether it's a bath night or not before getting her in her pj's we always do some quality naked time. The Pepper seems to love this time and it's become her time to run around and blow off energy which I think works to our advantage. She'll usually put on some sort of show for us by singing or dancing. Once she's burnt out a little bit we'll give her her toothbrush so she can brush her teeth (something she seems to love to do). Once we've been able to convince her to give up her toothbrush we put her pj's on and then do story time. We read about 3 books together as a family on the couch. The first two are more fun books but after we've read those we'll put her socks on and give her a pacifier, hopefully indicating it's time to start winding down. We read the 3rd and last book, which is usually about going to sleep, and then we'll say our goodnights. Daddy turns off the lights and we go to our large living room windows and we'll close each one saying goodnight to somebody or something ( "good night courtyard", "good night neighbors", etc). Daddy gives her a good night kiss and then I take her to her crib. I'll put her down in her crib, sing her a lullaby, maybe rub her back a little but most of the time I stand there and am just present for her while she falls asleep. I sometimes do some audible and slow yoga breathing which seems to help her if she's feeling particularly restless, but luckily most nights she grabs her stuffed animals and soothes herself to bed.

I think I love these times of day because the focus is on being together as a family. There isn't much distraction, there aren't things competing with our time, it's when we can enjoy each other. I know things will continue to evolve especially as the little one gets older. But for now I'm grateful for these transitional times of day.

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Chronic lateness: are you guilty?

Are you someone who is chronically late? I fall more on the chronically early side, which I think I get from my dad. My dad was always early everywhere. And he was also someone who never really showed much stress. He was always busy and productive but he didn't seem to be rushed or harried. It was very calming to be around him as a child. So I've tried to emulate that and while I definitely get stressed (my dad is always telling me to chill out!) I appreciate my inherited view on punctuality.

I have friends who are chronically late and I've mostly reached a place of acceptance with it. Though one of the only fights I've ever had with one of my good friends was over her being late. I adore her but she is someone who tends to over-plan her time so I'm always squeezed in between other appointments. Her heart is in the right place because she wants to see everyone and do everything! But the result is I'm usually waiting around for her twiddling my thumbs. The time I lost my temper about it she had scheduled a drink with me before she had to go to an event. I had planned my night around seeing her and I ended up only getting maybe 30 minutes with her (the waitress was slow and I didn't even get to drink my glass of wine!). I feel bad for getting angry but it was frustrating to feel like my time had been wasted and I realize now I just wasn't feeling appreciated at all. We've of course made up since then (and it was a few years ago now) but I still find myself in that situation often.

I avoid being late by doing two things: over-estimating and under-scheduling. These things are related. If you estimate the time something takes you correctly you'll be able to accurately know what you can accomplish in a given period of time. People are bad at estimating time, so if we over-estimate we tend to be closer to the truth. For example, even though I know my friend lives 10 minutes away from me, I estimate needing 20 minutes to get to her. This way I account for the time it takes me to get my shoes on, get my bag together, walk to the car, get the Pepper in her car-seat, find parking, and maybe even do a diaper change. Over-estimating works! Think of all the steps you need to take and add time for each and you'll be a step closer to being on-time. And once you have an idea of how long things really take you, you won't over-schedule! You'll be able to go from one event to another without running around frantically and doing things like cursing at traffic.

And I'm not perfect: I'm still late sometimes. But when I do get someplace with a little time to spare I feel good. It's nice to not feel rushed through life. Especially as I am someone who can get anxious giving myself time to breath helps.

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I have something to admit

After seeing this video from Laci Green, I can say that I am a feminist. This isn't something I was always comfortable saying before. Even though I know the definition of feminism is someone who wants equal rights for both men and women, it does get twisted into more extreme stereotypes. I am not a man-hater, for example. And I do acknowledge that men and women are different and we tend to have different talents and skills. But, none of that means we can't be equal in terms of our opportunities in life, and in how we are treated.

None of the facts in this video are new to me but when you compile them together they are just hard to ignore. I'm lucky that I have not felt mistreated as a woman in my life. I don't feel I deal with much discrimination because of my gender. I have not been sexually assaulted or overtly sexually harassed. But that doesn't make the facts or statistics less real. It also doesn't mean that I may just not notice the times where I am treated differently because I'm a woman. There have been times I've been talking to my husband about something that happened during the day and he points out that maybe someone was acting sexist. I usually disagree with him but I know that there is a chance he's right and I just can't (or don't want to) see it. That actually worries me the most. That the discrimination is so normal to me that I don't even know it's there.

And speaking of woman's issues, this post by Gabrielle is a thoughtful look at the #yesallwomen hashtag. Worth a read.

Is there room for a pet in our lives?

I met D because of his adorable rescue pit bull Buster. It was Buster's friendliness and charm that make me strike up a conversation with the man at the tab next to mine. D recalls that the first words I ever said to him was: "Hey, is this your dog?". Well, it was. And getting together with D and becoming a part of his life meant that Buster became a part of mine. Thankfully Buster welcomed me into the pack and it was the three of us for many years.

Musing on missing

D is in London on business. It's a 10-day trip, the longest we've ever been apart, and we're a little over half way through. His mom came out to stay with me to help me with the Pepper and I'm lucky to have her here; she is being a big help. So we're doing fine without him. Except we really really really miss him!! So much. I'm almost surprised by it. Pleasantly surprised by it.

The Pepper definitely knows that daddy isn't around. We've been able to Skype or Facetime with him which has helped. But if the phone rings or the iPad makes a sound she'll excitedly point at it and say "dada!". She wants to talk to him and to see him. Especially the last few days she's been extra sensitive and clingy and crankier than usual. She is very connected to her daddy. Drew has been a key part of our child-care since I went back to work so they have had a lot of quality time together since she was born. So even though she is still so little, of course she misses him. She likes it when we are all together and she is going to be so happy when he returns.

The amount I miss him I didn't expect. I knew I'd miss him but I guess I thought the demands of life would distract me. Even when Drew is around it is hard to find time for our relationship. As working parents our days get filled with all the things it takes to keep our life going. Cooking, cleaning, working, corresponding, parenting. We try to be aware of the need for quality relationship time and we make efforts to connect each day. But there are still a lot of days where by the time it is just him and I, we are both so tired all we can do is zone out to some TV and go to bed. Not very romantic but it's reality sometimes. With D away, I figured it would be much of the same. Life would keep me busy and then I'd be exhausted at the end of the day and pass out. I'd be too busy to miss him. But I'm not! I really feel him being gone and it's actually sort of encouraging. It makes me happy that I notice his absence because it means that the efforts we make to stay connected are working! Even when we are busy and it feels like we are two ships passing in the night, he is a part of my life. An important part! So much so that when he's gone things just don't feel right.

Come home D! Your ladies are waiting for you.

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We're going to do it!

I've mentioned it before but D and I have been thinking about the best place for us as our family grows. We love downtown and it's been a wonderful place to become parents. But we're growing out of our loft. I need a better space to work. D and I would like a bedroom all our own. And it would be nice to have more outdoor space for the Pepper to run around in.

So we're going to try something! This summer we're are going to move to Ojai. Yup, we're going to make a change. But we know it's a big enough change that it's worth us doing a little test run. We're going rent out our place and rent a place up there and see how the first year goes. The biggest challenge with the move will be that D will need to do the 2-hour drive to LA a few times a week. Not ideal. But we also don't know how often he will need to do it. And we're hoping the benefits of living in a beautiful nature-oriented place will be worth it.

Right now the most exciting thing to me is the Ojai daycare we've chosen for the little one. It has so much wonderful outdoor space. And with that space they are able to have a little garden where they grow vegetables. Plus they have animals there! They have goats, chickens, rabbits, tortoises, and a baby mini-pig and the kids get to play and help take care of the animals. So wonderful. And there is no wait-list! Such a change from Los Angeles.

I'm anxious about the move. The logistics will be a lot to deal with though luckily D has offered to take point with a lot of that stuff. I also know I am going to miss a lot of things about our life right now. I will miss the loft that we worked so hard to get just right. I will miss being able to walk everywhere. I will really miss being located so close to a lot of our friends. 

But, it's on to a new adventure! Fingers crossed that it all works out.

Image from my Instagram of our last trip to Ojai.

Mom Wars: Leaning In?

There is so much in the media these days about women in the workplace and whether you should lean-in or lean-out. I read this post a while back and I was sort of taken aback. I'm a working mom. I work full-time and am the primary bread-winner at the moment for our household. So it was sad to read that women who are "leaning-in" to their careers are reporting to be unhappy and feeling the toll on their families. But what really surprised me was the poll at the bottom. I selected the "Lean in" option and was shocked to see that only 9% of the poll-takers were with me. And then I was even more shocked to see that the majority chose the "Recline" option over the "Neither" option. I had thought that these days with the cost of living and the recent economy challenges that I was in the majority and that a lot of women were sharing my experience. I'm surprised to find out I may be in the minority on this one, and that's been further confirmed by the recent reports that more and more women are becoming stay-at-home moms.

When it comes to Leaning-in, for me I guess it just feels necessary. I have a career and my career is crucial to the health of my family. Making sure to make choices that will advance my career means my family is more financially stable. I have luckily been able to be at companies that are supportive of my home life. My current company for example is made up of many parents and my ability to work from home means that even when I work a lot I am at least around and I don't loose time commuting, and I know a lot of working women don't get that privilege. But I didn't take much time off for maternity leave, for example, because I needed to get back into the job and make sure I want adding value at the company. And while I would have loved more time off to be there when the Pepper was really little, I don't regret that decisions because it has paid off in other ways. And those other ways help our family because they allow us to live in a place we like or go to the better daycare or take that trip to visit D's family. It's a trade off. I often wish I had more time to spend taking care of the home and taking care of my child. But considering my life and the options I have, I feel good about my choices (most of the time).

Maybe one reason I feel ok leaning-in is that I have a great partner in my husband. I don't feel solely responsible for both our family income and taking care of the house. D and I both work, and D and I share responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, child care, even the Pepper's doctor's appointments. And D will offer to put the little one to bed if I have an invite to go have a late dinner with some girlfriends since he wants me to have that time to myself. Maybe I'd find leaning-in harder if I felt just as much pressure to do everything at home as I do to excel in my career. But luckily my partner helps me keep things balanced and I'm grateful for that every day.

As usual it's normally about trying to keep perspective. There is a lot of cultural pressure to be amazing at everything. Even if I choose to lean-in I try to remember that as long as I am being the mother I want to be to the Pepper that she and our family will be ok. As long as I am loving, and consistent, and that when I am with her I am totally present: that's the most important thing. It's important to stay reasonable, and this applies to leaning-in to work. I sometimes decline traveling for work if it's given to me as optional because I like to reduce the time I am away. But then I'll try to put some effort in elsewhere that fits with my family schedule better (maybe do some extra work on the weekend while the Pepper is napping).

One thing interesting to me is that most of the moms I know have a complicated relationship with their career status. The working moms, like me, have quilt about working and not being with their kids all day. As one of my friends said to me "you're a working-mom now, guilt is just part of it". But the stay-at-home moms also find it challenging. Many of them talk about feeling isolated and feeling like they are loosing themselves since they don't have time to do anything not related to their kids. One friend, an architect, worries that she will loose her skill-set by being out of the workforce for the next several years, and this is a skill-set she spent considerable time and money to build-up. Another friend told me about how now that shes not working, she really misses having her own money. I guess it's a case of the grass is always greener. Or it's just the result of needing to make decisions. Usually when you choose one thing there are other things you give up. It's ok to make sacrifices as long as you are doing it with reason and are keeping things in perspective. I'm a lean-in mom and I'm ok with that, but hopefully I'll have a chance to recline one day and see things from the other side.

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Craving bike culture

As mentioned the other day, there are great things about living in the middle of an urban area. On of them I didn't touch on too much was being able to bike everywhere. Los Angeles is famous for it's car culture, and for good reason. The city is so large and spread out that to experience it all you do have to spend time in your car. But, there are areas of the city that are self contained enough that to enjoy them all you need is a bike! Downtown LA is one of those areas.

A couple years ago D and I had dinner plans with some friends of ours who also live downtown. They are a little too far away to walk so we jumped in the car and drove the whole 6 minutes it took us to get to their place. That was when I realized we needed to get bikes, and once we did it felt like the whole city opened up to us! It was so quick and easy to get around, and it feels like a great way to experience the city. We even have the next CicLAvia, when roads are shut off from cars and open only for bikes, this Sunday.

But LA is only just starting to get a decent bike culture. We're starting to see more and more bike lanes being created, and more and more bikers on the streets. But bikers are still at a disadvantage. It makes me so jealous when I hear about places elsewhere in the world where bikes are considered a normal part of life, even family life! And while I know as a city we'll probably never be able to embrace bikes like they do in Amsterdam, but I'm hoping we'll keep getting closer and closer. And next for our family is to get an attachment for our bikes that will allow us to ride around with Pepper. I think she'll love it!

And how cute is this little bike accessory?! I want one.

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City Mouse or Country Mouse?

I've been having fantasies about moving into a place with actual rooms and maybe even a yard. I'd love an office, I'd like to be able to do dishes at night after the Pepper goes to sleep, it would be nice to have some grass to play on. But, right now we are in a loft in the middle of an urban area. So, to combat my longings I've been reminding myself of all the great things about living in a loft in downtown Los Angeles:

• Family time: D and I both work a lot so it is nice that when we are all home together we're actually all together. Since we have no real rooms dividing up our space, if one of us is cooking or folding laundry we can still participate in the playing or the book reading. Even though we are growing out of this place, it has been nice to have that intimacy and proximity while the Pepper was so little.
• Less upkeep: Having a small space meant that it was necessary for D and I to limit the amount of baby stuff we had (actually, all the stuff we have!). This is maybe one of the best things we could have done. We weren't overwhelmed by the baby gear, and it wasn't hard to keep the place somewhat tidy during those crazy newborn months. We're still a fan of keeping things simple and I hope that if we do move to a house some day we can maintain our minimalist lifestyle.
• Access: We can access so many things so easily. We have 3 parks in walking distance from us, we can easily take a bus to places like the Natural History Museum, and there are lots of restaurants and stores just blocks away. Even though we don't have a lot of space of our own, it's so easy for us to go outside I never feel trapped (and the California weather helps with that too). One of my new favorite things to do on a weekend morning is get up with the Pepper, walk to a local 24/hr restaurant to have breakfast, and then walk down the street to one of the little local parks. We can go for as long or as short as we want because going out isn't that much of an investment (we just need to get our shoes and sweaters on and go!). Plus, if I realize we're out of milk or need more bananas for the Pepper's breakfast I just need to walk a block, something I've often done in my pajamas.
• Neighbors: My favorite thing about being downtown is the people. Everywhere we've lived downtown we've really gotten to know our neighbors and neighborhoods. Some of our neighbors can even remember both D and I before we started dating 8 years ago so they have seen us create our family over all these years. And I think the communal aspect has been great for our little one. She's a very social creature and she loves all the people she gets to interact with in a day. Our nanny takes her out during the day and they do their rounds which means visiting our local restaurants and shops. She has friends all along our block who know her and get upset with me if she hasn't been brought by to visit in awhile. If you believe that it takes a village (which I do), then the Pepper will certainly benefit from our little downtown village.

I believe that almost all things have costs and benefits. I'm starting to think that our lives are shifting such that maybe the costs of being where we are no longer outweigh the benefits. But I can't deny that my last 8 years downtown have been wonderful and that includes the first year of the Pepper's life. Instead of focusing on the challenges, I'll continue to try to be thankful for all the great things about our lives.

Image of the the Pepper at one of our local parks from my Instagram.

All the parenting studies are not helping

I recently saw this and so appreciated it! There are so many studies out there and with this modern age of access to everything we get constant headlines with new information about how we might be failing as parents. And you just can't keep up. One study says kids who breastfeed are smarter, then another one comes out that says there is no difference, and then another one comes out that discredits the second study, and so on and so forth. D's mom recently visited and we were talking about the differences in parenting now vs parenting 40 years ago. In my mother-in-laws words: "We just didn't know as much back then". But she wasn't saying it's all good. It's good, for example, that we know now how helpful seat belts are. But sometimes having information isn't so helpful. Sometimes it's just a lot of noise to sift through and to try to figure out.

We all can't be experts on everything. We all can't go to medical school and become pediatricians, and child psychologists, and education specialists. But we all have access to these studies and information, but without the education to know if we really have all the info. Nobody has time to know everything! Yet we try to make sense of it all and the challenge is not to trust a headline as a truth.

I've chosen to trust my pediatrician about what's best for my daughter, but of course I also have to trust my instincts. I'm also always working to tune out all the noise so that I can trust. I didn't breastfeed as long as I would have liked, but I have to turn off the part of me that thinks about that study I read that the longer you breastfeed the smarter your baby. If I look at the Pepper, I think she's amazing and plenty smart (already running circles around me)! And playing the "what-if" game on if she would be an IQ point or 2 smarter if I had different priories is futile. Or the new study that kids of stay-at-home moms are healthier. There is no reason for me to worry that my completely healthy daughter (who has not yet even had a fever) isn't as healthy as maybe she would be if I didn't work. But it still takes effort to not worry. Its the nature of modern parenting.

Let's all try to tune out the noise and trust our chosen circle of support, and ourselves!

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Anxiety!!! Ahhhh!!

I recently read this post by Bri and it reminded me that almost everyone I know deals with some level of anxiety. Anxiety is pervasive! Maybe it's always been this way, maybe it's a symptom of modern times. But I feel like we all, especially the women I know, are always trying to find ways to manage anxiety.

Like Bri, I can find myself getting into these anxiety vortexes. Something will trigger it (something someone says, or a random thought will come to mind) and suddenly I can't stop getting obsessively worried about something. Maybe it's being able to leave the house early enough to get someplace, or how I'm worried about something I said to someone. Whatever my mind latches onto I can spin on it for longer than is constructive. But it's hard to stop, because logic kind of goes out the window. I start feeling like it's important for me to be worried about this thing; that if I'm worried it means I'm paying attention and I'm aware and I need to do something! In these moments I work hard to try to remember the reality of the situation. I try to bring in perspective (so what if we're late? what are the odds that such and such would happen?) And sometimes I can talk myself down. Other times it just needs to run it's course.

One problem is that anxiety is addictive. I think it's a control issue. If you're anxious about something I find it's usually because you want control of it. And getting anxious and communicating that can be a way to make things the way you want them. And that level of control can feel good! One thing I've had accept as I've worked to have less anxiety is my lack of control. Scary, but an important thing to realize and find peace with.

Joanna has a good suggestion for how she manages her anxiety. I haven't tried it yet but I probably should. Anyone else have any ways of coping?

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Social Media

Social media is everywhere. It's a big part of how we communicate now and when used right, has a lot of advantages. But there are so many different services it can be hard to navigate. I'm not an early adopter so I'm usually a little late to the bandwagon. I want to make sure something is going to stick before I devote time to it. But at this moment I feel good about my social media commitments and I think I have it down. Here is how I use social media*:

Instagram: I decided to join Instagram after a trip to New York a few years ago. I was hanging out with my two fabulous friends who were snapping and Instagraming like crazy. They made it seem fun and easy so I thought I'd jump on the band wagon. I instantly loved it. As a visual person I enjoy that it's picture based. And because of the relatively strict structure (only a picture with maybe a comment) it's a clean interface. You get a window into people's lives, or at least how they want their lives to look. It's also the first time I've really followed people on social media who I didn't know personally. I use it to share little moments in my life that feel poignant. Maybe it's my baby taking a nap. Maybe it's a man and his dog looking into a gallery window. As most of my day is staring at my computer screen so I don't post a lot, but I like having this venue to share these moment and see what other people are experiencing.

Facebook: I like to keep my Facebook and Instagram separate as I find it confusing if I have the same pictures on both. So while Instagram is for moments, Facebook is for updates. At this point it's almost a practical thing. I have a lot of friends and family that are spread out all over the world and Facebook is how we keep up with what everyone has going on. It allows me to share Pepper updates with Drew's parents who are in Michigan, or her god-parents in London. It's a way I can learn about someone getting a new job or having another baby. And I've recently come to enjoy how people share interesting articles there too. I don't post often, and I've unfortunate become one of those people who just posts pics of their baby, but people seem to enjoy them!

Pinterest: My most recent social media venture, and I like it. I'm an online shopper and always struggled to bookmark things I'd find that I liked but wasn't ready (and will probably never) purchase. Not I can bookmark them! And get suggestions from other people! And search for recipes! Basically it's another great visual way to share things, but this time it's sharing things you find on the internet. Since I spend most of my time online it's become a wonderfully useful tool.

Twitter: I resisted Twitter for a long time. D got on it last year and kept encouraging me to try it. I finally did in order to get updates from a local charter school that was opening up. But, I don't really enjoy it or find it useful. I find that I get the updates and access to people I want through other social media channels. So it ends up just feeling redundant. I have an account, but I never post, and I hardly ever look at it.

In a nutshell: I love Instagram and Pinterest, Facebook feels necessary, and Twitter is not my thing. How do you use your social media? Is there something about Twitter I'm just not getting?

*Right now this is limited to personal use, not for work or business.

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Parenting perspective from past generations

I really enjoyed this talk by Raul Gutierrez. He walks the audience through a few generations of his family and what each generation's childhood was like. This is a wonderful perspective to keep in mind when you're a parent. It's easy as modern parents to feel like we need to do a lot for our kids. How we raise them, how much we play with them, how much we talk to them, etc feels so crucial. That with every parenting decision we make we are defining their childhood and therefore who they will become. It can be stressful. And one thing I do to combat the stress is to remind myself that people have been parents for thousands of years in thousands of different ways, and everyone basically seems to turn out ok. Raul's portrait of his family is a wonderful reminder of that.

One thing I think about a lot is the amount of time I spend with the Pepper. As a working mom I feel like I don't get a lot of time with her. I feel guilty for not being aorund to play with her. I worry she feels neglected or abandoned for my work. I hope she knows how much I love her even though I sometimes have to walk away from her. But then I think about how much time I get with her compared to previous generations and I feel reassured. Reassured that kids are ok and can still thrive even if their parents don't do everything perfectly. Because really, no parent ever has.

His thoughts on creativity and the space that is needed to allow for it is also great. I love the emphasis on quiet time, and on the time to ask questions and talk. After listening to his talk I downloaded his company's app and it's pretty cool. I don't expose the Pepper to technology much yet but we did spend a good 15 minutes with the app on the iPad learning about the mouth and what happens when you don't brush your teeth.And it was surprisingly fun!

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Are you focusing on what's most important to you?

A few weeks ago my boss sent me an email saying his mentor was going to be giving a speaking engagement in LA. I hate giving up my evenings with the Pepper, but I felt it was important to go and D agreed. So one Thursday night I reluctantly went to see Dr. John Demartini speak, and I was very pleasantly surprised. He gave a great talk. He was insightful, knowledgeable, engaging, and really funny! And I've been thinking about what he said ever since.

One of the things he talked about the stuck wit me is the idea of our values: the things we prioritize in our lives. Everyone has a unique value system, it is what makes us individuals. Being aware of what your values are is important and being true to that will theoretically make you happy. When someone tries to put you down or judge you, they are trying to put their values onto you and that is harmful. Conversely, if you admire someone and put them on a pedestal you may try to put their values on yourself, which is also harmful. It was an interesting way to look at relationships and made me view some of the key relationships in my life differently.

But the thing that keeps spinning in my mind is the idea on personal values. Demartini says that your highest value or highest priority is what you will endure both pleasure and pain for. You will take the bad with the good because it is something innate to you. You will do it or pursue it without being told to or forced to. When he said this I thought of my husband and how D is so clear in his pursuit of is music career. When he is making music he is clearly his most true self. But then I wondered, what's my highest value? What makes me my truest self? I was shocked that I didn't have an answer. My first go to was being a mother. Because I will endure any pain in the pursuit of being a mother to my little one. But as most parents would I wondered if that was too simple an answer. I decided that maybe I need to spend some time thinking about what I value and prioritize. It will help me knwo myself and focus my life in the areas that will bring me the highest rewards.

After I raved about the lecture my boss was thoughtful enough to send me this book to read. While I haven't had a chance yet I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure it will give me a lot more to think about.

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Fantasy lives

I was recently reading about the best places to live (if you define "best" as the places people are happiest) and my imagination started running. My husband will tell you that I have many fantasies about living places other than Los Angeles. I love LA, and it is pretty awesome. A few weeks back I was having lunch with D and a friend of ours who is originally from England but has been in the US for decades now. The subject of my pining to relocate came up and our dear friend's response was "why?". He pointed out that we have a wonderful home and a great set-up and a fun lifestyle that seems to suit us. He loves LA, D loves LA, we have family here, so why would we move? I pointed out that I was the only one at the table who has not yet had the opportunity to move away from home (D is from Michigan originally). I understand where they are coming from, but I still have a yearning to try out one of the lives in my imagination.

I fantasize about living in France, specifically Paris or a suburb of Paris. I like their apparent approach to parenting and feel like their culture would suit how we live. I like their emphasis on good quality food and cooking at home. I appreciate their approach to education, especially for young children. Plus I think it's everyone's romantic notion to live in France one day. If we lived there I imagine us baking pastries at home on the weekends, drinking wine at cafes in the evenings, and enjoying walking around the beautiful city.

I fantasize about living in one of the Scandinavian countries. I feel they have a better work life balance, possibly because of all the help from the government. I like the idea of having healthcare and education taken care of. Plus the expectations for time taken off of work each year is much more than the US, this includes taking time off for maternity and paternity leave. If we lived in Norway or Sweden I would imagine we'd have a well designed and functional home, we'd travel and have more quality family time together, and we'd spend a lot of time on bikes.

On of my more realistic fantasies is moving about 80 miles north to Ojai, an agricultural valley just a little south of Santa Barbara. Not only is it beautiful up there, it's small and quaint which would be a nice change from the city. And the culture is built around farming so there are lots of people with animals like horses and goats. There are fabulous hikes and amazing local produce. They have great public schools and some very fancy private schools. Best part is that even though it's sort of remote it's driving distance to Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, and Ventura. If we lived there I imagine the Pepper taking horse back riding lessons, visiting the farmers market every Sunday, and spending lots of time outdoors.

The thing about fantasy is that you don't think about the drawbacks. Of course anywhere we live will have it's good and bad sides. But part of my desire to move it to see if I like the change or if it makes me realize that Los Angeles really is the place for me. We'll see.

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