What does your partnership look like?

A family is like a team and every family I know manages the roles and responsibilities of their team differently. These days anything goes, it's about what works. But of course our histories and family of origin have an impact on what we expect from our home life. I've been thinking about that since I read this article about how woman who grow up in households where the dad participates in the housework are more ambitious in their careers. I guess I'm one of those women. Both of my parents worked. My mom was lucky to be able to be with me for the full first year of my life, but after that she continued working as a psychologist and pursued her PhD in psychology. I had wonderful nannies, and then a great preschool I still have fond memories of. But I also saw my dad at home a lot. He worked as a camera-man and editor and he did his editing out of a home office. His schedule was therefore flexible. I remember him cooking dinner. He would sew up rips in my clothes. He helped me with my homework. And he also worked in this cool room with large screens and a computer and I would go in there and watch him cut and type. I guess I saw him do everything. And I saw my mom do everything too.

And without even consciously choosing to turns out that is the situation I have now with my husband. We both work, and we both take care of the household. We've fallen into certain habits that makes the system efficient. For example, I'll write up the grocery list and then D will get the groceries. He'll do the dishes in the morning and start the dishwasher and I'll unload the dishwasher in the afternoon. But we both cook (depending on who feels like they have the most time that day). We'll both do laundry. We'll both clean (or we sometimes treat ourselves to a cleaning service). It works for us. I know other families have other situations. Luckily I work from home so I can take a 10 minute break during the day to make the bed. And D works for himself so he has the ability go grocery shopping in the middle of the day. It's a constant dance but luckily we do have the ability to fit things in when we need them to get done. And I am constantly thankful that I have a partner in this and that we can work as a team.

How did the family you grew up in effect how you have structured your current family? What works for you and what doesn't?

And on a separate but related note, this is an interesting piece about the sometimes negative effects of societies preference for two-parent households. Worth a read.

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Musing on missing

D is in London on business. It's a 10-day trip, the longest we've ever been apart, and we're a little over half way through. His mom came out to stay with me to help me with the Pepper and I'm lucky to have her here; she is being a big help. So we're doing fine without him. Except we really really really miss him!! So much. I'm almost surprised by it. Pleasantly surprised by it.

The Pepper definitely knows that daddy isn't around. We've been able to Skype or Facetime with him which has helped. But if the phone rings or the iPad makes a sound she'll excitedly point at it and say "dada!". She wants to talk to him and to see him. Especially the last few days she's been extra sensitive and clingy and crankier than usual. She is very connected to her daddy. Drew has been a key part of our child-care since I went back to work so they have had a lot of quality time together since she was born. So even though she is still so little, of course she misses him. She likes it when we are all together and she is going to be so happy when he returns.

The amount I miss him I didn't expect. I knew I'd miss him but I guess I thought the demands of life would distract me. Even when Drew is around it is hard to find time for our relationship. As working parents our days get filled with all the things it takes to keep our life going. Cooking, cleaning, working, corresponding, parenting. We try to be aware of the need for quality relationship time and we make efforts to connect each day. But there are still a lot of days where by the time it is just him and I, we are both so tired all we can do is zone out to some TV and go to bed. Not very romantic but it's reality sometimes. With D away, I figured it would be much of the same. Life would keep me busy and then I'd be exhausted at the end of the day and pass out. I'd be too busy to miss him. But I'm not! I really feel him being gone and it's actually sort of encouraging. It makes me happy that I notice his absence because it means that the efforts we make to stay connected are working! Even when we are busy and it feels like we are two ships passing in the night, he is a part of my life. An important part! So much so that when he's gone things just don't feel right.

Come home D! Your ladies are waiting for you.

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What kind of marriage to you want?

Have you been watching House of Cards? I think it's a great show (and if you like it I highly recommend the original British version, also available on Netflix streaming). It has intrigue, great acting, and modern social commentary: everything you could want in a tv show. But one of my favorite things about the show is the portrayal of the marriage between the two main characters. This post captures something I've been thinking about for awhile: I kind of want a marriage like the Underwoods.

Now their marriage of course isn't perfect and I'm not saying I want to emulate in it's entirety. I don't want an open marriage for example. But it's the partnership between Frank and Claire that is enviable. They are aligned in their goals for their family. They work together and each individually sacrifice in order to get them both closer to their shared goals. They seem to know each other and accept each other for who they are. And for the most part they are very honest with each other. For me it's this honesty that creates an intimacy that I admire. And it creates an environment where they can both be themselves and don't feel the need to battle to be understood, or fight to be heard, or manipulate each other to get what they need. Because they are a total team.

Being a partner can be hard and doesn't come naturally to everyone. I know I've had to work on my partnership skills over the years and I appreciate that D has been willing to work with me. And as life gets more complicated it can get harder to not get caught up in my own day to day struggles. As working parents D and I are so often just thinking about getting through our daily check lists that thinking about our relationship as a whole can get lost.

Almost daily I try to remind myself about the findings captured in this infographic. I believe achieving the 5:1 ratio is especially important. This means that you have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. When dealing with little sleep and work stress and schedules and silly but important things like trying to get the Pepper to eat her veggies, it's surprisingly easy not to have many positive interactions. So I make a point to say something nice, or show enthusiasm for something he's been working on, or just reach out and rub his back for a moment. I don't do it as much as I would like, but I know we have many more years to keep improving our marriage and growing our partnership.

Anyone have any tips for how they maintain a strong marriage?

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Engagement Rings: I'm with Johnny Depp

So Johnny Deep is engaged and his "man-gagement" ring is getting a lot of press. I think it's interesting that people are so fascinated by this twist on the tradition. One of the things I love most about weddings and the events that go along with them is that people feel free to adjust traditions to create really personal experiences. And besides, my husband wore an engagement ring...so maybe I'm biased.

First off, I'm all for people following traditions if that is what they want and enjoy. But personally, I am not comfortable with the "typical" engagement traditions. I have trouble with the idea of the man being expected to be the one to propose. It creates a picture of a woman waiting around for the man to dictate the relationship. I think it is becoming more and more common for woman to propose, and I like that trend. D and I talked about getting married before we got engaged, and it was something we decided together. Since a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, I felt that was a good way to start out.

I also told D I did not want an engagement ring. I don't wear much jewelry, and the jewelry I do wear is small and subtle so the idea of a special fancy ring just didn't feel natural to me. Additionally, since D and I would soon be sharing finances it felt fiscally irresponsible to spend money on something I wouldn't really appreciate. Then the question of a modest ring came up, and I decided that also didn't feel natural. Much like the concept of the traditional proposal, I didn't like that just a woman is supposed to wear an engagement ring. Why did I need to advertize that I was "taken" but my future-husband didn't? It felt too lopsided. But we did want to acknowledge our engage somehow, so we decided to both get simple engagement bands.

If other people out there did something different let me know! It would nice to know that I'm not the only one resisting the traditional :)

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