Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Last night was not my best night

Last night was not a stellar night and I'm having trouble shaking it off. D was working late so it was just the Pepper and me. And I welcomed that after what was a very busy weekend. I was hoping my baby and I could have some nice quality time together. Well, things took a turn around dinner time. I think my baby girl was tired. She had her usual nap but for some reason she just seemed sleepy and cranky. It was dinner time and when I asked her if she was ready for food she eagerly ran toward the fridge. I assumed she'd help me open the refrigerator door like usual but instead she stuck her fingers between the door and the cabinet so that when I opened the fridge her little fingers got crushed :( I realized quickly so I know she was ok but I'm sure it hurt and she understandably wailed and wailed about it. I felt awful, and this seemed to set the tone for the rest of the night. She was happy with everything I gave her for dinner but if it took me a minute to prepare it (toast the bread for avocado toast) she'd cry and cry. And then the second blow of the evening came: I was trying to get her to drink sour milk.

I of course didn't realize it! It didn't pour any different and the expiration date wasn't for another 3 weeks. She did take one sip and then any time I offered it to her after that she'd get so upset. I finally figured out what was going on but it took me way longer than I wish it had. I felt like a failed parent at that moment.

She was just generally upset after dinner. She didn't want to get her diaper changed and she didn't want to get her pj's on and each thing she didn't want was met with tears. And I think I was just not in a strong emotional state myself (PMS I'm thinking, damn those hormones!). So her reactions got to me and we both were just sort of upset and exhausted by the time we got through the tough stuff. Luckily, we were both into story time and that was something we did to reconnect and recenter. And we had a few really nice moments when I was putting her to bed. But I just felt defeated at the end of the day. Nothing horrible happened. We both were fine at the end of the night. We were able to connect and I was able to show the little one that she was loved and safe. But for some reason all the challenges of the evening just got to me and I felt like the night was a bust and I had let my baby down. And then the anxiety that this will somehow have lasting negative effects (will she never want to drink milk again??) comes and it's a spiral that can be hard for me to get out of. But, I slept on it and this morning I was greeted by a smiley happy-to-be-here baby. Of course I don't need to worry. Of course the Pepper is fine and last night will be forgotten. And I need to move on too.

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